IJN

Mummy is admitted in IJN, dia dalam Coranary Care Unit (CCU). banyak yang berlaku dr pagi sampai malam ni. sebagai kesimpulan atas all yang berlaku today, Dr kate her heart is weak. ya Allah, gelap sekejap dunia. erm.. she's trying to be tough for the sake of everybody (we can see it in her) but now we have to be tough for her as well. i am worried sick and the memories of arwah Mak in the hospital suddenly comes to mind. mase time arwah Mak meninggal, we had her just days before and we suddenly lost her. i don't know why but suddenly it feels like arwah Mak just left us yesterday. the pain of losing arwah Mak is suddenly there. then, during the period mummy kena admit and all, teringat pulak kat arwah uncle Ghani. he was always there for mummy. dia yang banyak sangat amik tau welfare mummy dulu. biasenye kalau mummy sakit, mesti dia first yang akan sampai. hari ni tengok pintu tak sampai-sampai. terlupa sekejap arwah dah takde. kali ni impact towards myself bila mummy jatuh sakit lain and it really is hitting hard on me. 

anyway, i am going to stay positive on this and be strong. nak stay kat sane tak boleh pulak. visiting hours limited and IJN tu cam strict kut. orang yang jage situ kate ape-ape diorang akan call dengan segare, if ada emergency ke ape. *tarik nafas* tak tau dah nak luah kat sape semua ni. emmm.. bak kate awak, saye kan dak kecik yang kuat but, i need you to help me go through all this and i hope you know that. 

...

common

the common problem for me - heart vs head. kekadang nak sangat kut jadi keras kepala and buat tak tau je but, the heart still nak tau what's going on with him or ape-ape pun lah. bile lah nak sampai time head boleh menang bile lawan dengan heart. rasenye sampai bile-bile pun tak kut? haha! heart vs head scenario:

Mindset: If you're not gonna talk to me, it's fine. I'm not gonna kill myself over that. 

Heart: Oh fuck it, I want to talk to you so badly.

trip pulang jubah

19/20 july 2008

 lapar!

ke-esokkannya,

 UMT

last gambar with the jubah

(kami nampak gelap and montel tapi hakikatnye tak)

burd teruja!

ronda-ronda library?

(bayar hutang kut! hee)

last but not least,

with dearest Pn Hanis

*nangis*

T.T

current mood

peace
(remember this?)

rindu, terlalu sangat

nak call sangat but tak ter-dial your number, 

maybe you can read my heart as always and call me instead

choices in life

... tadi dapat nasihat free dari orang yang dah lame kahwin

there are two ways u want to choose your life now - 

(1) go back to dating again, get to know each other as a person - in & out every details.. then only decide to move up to marriage stage

(2) continue with current plan, get to know each other after marriage

*trust me, in actual fact, both of the choices is PAINFUL

you'll never know whether you really know everything about your partner until one of you is dead.. so..my best advice for you.. choose no (2). you once said you've thought deeply & you confidently said he is the one (dah cakap awal sangat nak kahwin tapi nak kahwin gak kan). so, stick with what you have decided... to resolve the situation now - slow talk with him, discuss with him.

*discuss

remember the word discuss. means you tell him what you want, you also want him to tell you what he want and align both of the requirement because neither of you can get what you want but both of your requirement can meet in the middle.. the best that both of you can tolerate.

*kalau tak boleh pergi therapy
*apa kata let it go.. start with fresh rules from now on.

...

ha.. amek kau. menangis kat office pagi tadi. sebijik kena kut.

... orang lain plak pesan
manusia memang takkan puas. kite kene terima apa yang pasangan kita mampu buat and jangan duduk dalam bayang-bayang lepas lagi.

coping

*breathe*

luahan di pagi hari

kejap lagi nak masuk office. today 1st day boss masuk after cuti 2 minggu. kerja confirmlah bertimbun kan. huwargh! weekend ni ade event. lagi lah tak suke. but nak buat cmne, kerja. oh.. anyway, bukan nak luah pasal kerja tapi pasal life.

urm. semlm kinda had a heart to heart talk dengan hashrul. well, ade certain things yang tak dapat nak terima. macam susah, bukan tak dapat nak terima. nak tak nak kena telan lah. pasal maybe i made some mistakes too, maybe different type but effect sakit hati same kut. dia ade buat perumpamaan, 'orang kencing manis, kena paksa makan gula, alang2 dah start makan, baik makan habis2'. itu referring to 1 situation we had. i wonder if i did the same thing, dia boleh terima tak kite yang cakap macam tu? persoalan lain pulak timbul after that, 'pernah ke terpakse jumpe? pernah ke terpakse keluar?'. 

jue dah pesan:

this period kena patient sangat2

alang2 kan, i nak mintak maaf dengan someone yang sentiase ade tuk i - janji dia, akan ade time baik/buruk/jahat and walau pun tergolek2 sampai bile2. even though hati dia sakit dengan ape i dah buat, dia tetap ade. anytime. sentiase on stand by kut. thank you for being there through my ups and downs (mostly my downs?) as long as i can ever remember. thank you for looking over me all this while and jadi macam my own guardian angel. sorry for all the heartaches i caused and the tears you have shed for me. i know now that you are the only person that will never break my heart. i know things end up differently but i think its a better future kan for the both of us. ini sedikit open but maybe orang macam you deserve a public apology from me. i ade sedikit menyesal on how i handled things back then tapi i can't change what i did but, you should know that i am certainly a different person now - stronger, lebih independent and basically tak macam when i was with you (dah tak berape macam dak kecik dah, keadaan paksa untuk grow up and bangkit sendiri kut, i have no other choice).. erm.. halalkan makan minum and pray for our better future eh. i am sorry and thank you.. :)

last year

this day last year, i lost a beloved uncle whom i loved dearly. not having him around for my wedding feels like not having my father at my wedding. uncle ghani is more than an uncle to me - he is more like a father. he looked out for me, was there when i needed guidance and always think ahead for my future. people don't really know how much he meant to me. i didn't cry much when he passed away (i was too shocked) but as life goes on from time to time there are just so many things that reminded me of him.

the one thing that is the hardest for me to let go is my current job -

i got my current job from the newspaper he gave me - job classified section. he forced me to go to an interview in MAS. to be an air stewardess. which i didn't want to. MAS don't take people wearing tudung as an air stewardess. dia kate, 'pergi je lah'. so, to make him happy, i went (yeah, laugh, haha!). dengan tak tau jalan nye, nasib ade lah yang sudi membawa time tu. guess which part i failed.. *drum roll* - my height.. too short! boooooo! dalam hati terdetik juga nak dapat sebenarnya. kalau nak, kena bukak tudung lah. berat rase nak bukak tudung. pasal diorang ni tak strict sgt pun pasal tinggi. ade staff MAS cakap, 'awak ni pakai tudung, nak jadi, kena bukak tau'.

so, lepas tu balik rumah belek2 newspaper yang uncle bagi. there was an opening in WWF for programme trainee. tried my luck. was late for my first interview - semua sebab kalut tapi nasib itu pun ade yang sudi membawa. then after first interview, was called for a second interview (ini pergi sendiri kut). so, the rest is history. i have been in WWF for 2 years plus now. ade terfikir nak quit and find a new job but itu lah, susah nak let go. this was something my 'dad' did for me.

well, yang dah pergi tetap pergi. kita yang hidup ni boleh sedekah yassin and al-fatihah. hidup kene teruskan bukan? memories i have of him will always remain in my heart. i miss you uncle ghani. i miss you so much. al-fatihah.

his favourite song (tiap-tiap kali dgr confirm meleleh) - 

p.s: one year ago, this date, patut nya ade kat Jepun, buat kerja gila. how differently things turned out kan. kite tak tau future kite. banyak yang kita tak tau.

i like you

comel! 

why you sho shy... shumone yike you
- makena

sekadar renungan

ini just peringatan untuk diri sendiri. jangan lah ade yang terase pulak eh? tadi kat twitter ade terbace hamba Allah tu tulis yang orang pakai tudung ni perangai lagi teruk dari orang yang tak bertudung (print screen kat bawah). nama and muka dia ditutup pasal tak nak lah aibkan orang pulak. dah pemikiran dia cetek, tak kan lah kita nak tunjuk satu dunia siapa dia. ehe!

kepada yang menulis penyataan begitu (mane tau terlintas kat blog ni):

fikir sebelum tulis. ade tak ahli keluarga yang bertudung? ade tak ahli keluarga yang muka suci? so, family kamu yang pakai tudung muke suci tu semua teruk-teruk ke perangainya? ermm.. tak elok cakap macam tu bukan? nak tulis or cakap kena fikir. Allah dah kasik kite akal and otak.

  

memang tak di nafikan, manusia tak dapat lari dari buat dosa. baik yang bertudung dan tak bertudung. kita tak sempurna 100% tapi ruang untuk memperbaiki diri sendiri ada. tak baik kita nak cakap orang macam tu bila diri kita sendiri tak betul. no? i am not perfect as well. kalau nak mengaku, memang banyak dosa. tutup aurat pun belum sempurna lagi but i am learning and trying my best to be a better person. jom kita sama2..? :)

source

love - food

this week (monday and wednesday), had 2 great meals with people that sangat bermakna in my life. ehe! thank you for spending time with me and go makan sedap2..! 

meal 1

gambar ni - ni lah orang yg nak duduk bawah
blasting air cond and order one huge dessert
(refer to last picture for meal 1)

huge dessert - don't let the above picture deceive you
(weyh, lain kali bace menu betul2!)

we were practically shivering sambil makan dessert
sejuk gile kut.. huu.. *lesson learned*
(teringat) hahahaha!

.....

meal 2

complimentary bread

(habis licin, lapar sangat)

starter

strawberry lemonade

 gambar ni - yours truly nmpak comel lah plak

pipi dah start gebu balik... haha!

(muke macam tak puas hati)
lapar mummy ni. kite tak sampai separuh lagi, dia dah habis satu dah. huhu.

oh.. last but not least..
(after quite some time)


mummy - earthquake! hee..!

with the fiance, hashrul ♥

photo credit to my one and only mummy

hello!

(di kala kebosanan)

from us,

kaka: i am not ready. boo.. (ehe!)
..

one more!

♥

baru perasan kaka almost same dengan kucing yang jumpa kat Tawau hari tu
kaka ade janggut, meow kat Tawau ade misai ;)

meow kat Tawau

..

kesian mate meow ni but, dia sangat healthy and MANJA!
[oh! tgk misai dia]

Tawau

...

these are all i have. yang lain hak milik office. huu!

batu gajah

...

pasar

esok monday

after a long and much needed rest, i am much better tonight. after posting yesterday, i slept through out the night until i woke up this morning around 10 am. i was shocked myself that i can sleep that long. maybe badan dah terlalu penat sangat due to stress and depression kut? itu yang system terus knock out and just shut down terus. entah. ape pun, bangun tadi feeling (totally) recharged. good for me! then, i spent the whole afternoon at uncle halim's house tengok cartoon with the kids. itu perkara baru for me - spending time (the whole afternoon) with the kids. erk! but, i did had a great time. btw, i miss my cartoon channels. mummy, can i have them back? ehe.. 

so, tomorrow i will start my week without the boss. i don't think i'm ready for the battle. might just fall sick again. haha. have lots of pending stuff waiting in the office. banyak sangat kerja sampai tak tau nak start dekat mane. dah lah tadi bukak email office, terus pening. ade discussion pasal budget on tuesday. errr... i don't know anything on that. saye kan orang bawahan je. huhu. disebabkan boss takde, esok kena selidik kut ceruk mane-mane untuk discussion hari selase. help needed here. i know i can do it! (yakin dekat diri sendiri tu penting) uhuk! honestly, macam dah tak mau pergi kerja dah. tapi banyak hutang nak kena bayar ni. haih! 

*tarik nafas* [motivation to self] tomorrow is a brand new day, brand new week. start fresh. no more being depressed, sorry for myself or what so ever. be cool, positive and happy! i need to get rid of ALL the negative vibes around me. lots of things to be done and focus is needed. *fuh!* 

(we shall see what tomorrow's post will be like, heh!)

day ketige

body temperature still maintaining at 38.5°C all day but malam ni naik 39-ish°C plak. Dr kate kalau esok tak baik lagi, pergi clinic balik. noo!! (my worse nightmare kut nak dapat banyak ubat lagi or worse masuk hospital). belakang dah start sakit (sengal macam sakit mase sem2 dulu) and kepale kalau hentak kat dinding pun tak sakit pasal sakit dalam kepale lagi sakit. anyway, saje je update sikit. nak ngadu kat sape lg. masing-masing ade life sendiri kan. hee! no worries, saye kuat, dah minum melo tadi (tak percaya, tengok gambar kat bawah).

 good night, peace and out!

dush! (effect landing kat katil)
zzzz.. *pengsan*

to the Dr

i can't wake up this morning so, i went to the Dr a little bit late in the afternoon. got my candies atau medical term dia, UBAT (sedap ni, boo!) from him. he told me to stay away from people after checking my throat. macam ade penyakit berjangkit bahaya pulak but, he did pesan that. maybe virus yang cepat berjangkit kut? for sake of the people around me, i have been doing exactly that by sleeping the whole day. nak makan pun tak lalu ni (rindu someone yang always force feed me when i'm sick). lau 2, 3 hari macam ni boleh kurus. boleh tak fikir camtu plak? huhu.. oh.. btw, ni dah rase okay sikit dari condition pagi tadi (tu yg boleh online). we shall see tengah mlm nanti when i am at my worse when i am sick (erm.. rindu plak orang yang selalu jage me the whole night if i am sick). haih~

p.s: temperature - 38.5°C
p.s.s: [hope and reminder to self] sometimes two people have to fall apart just to realize how much they need to fall back together again
p.s.s: [?] sometimes the harder you love someone, the more you push them away

crash

finally, after holding on to being strong for so long, i am down with fever. calling for help! running nose, sore throat, cough and watery eyes.

good night world.

terpesong

tadi kononnye nak tido lah but tak boleh nak tidur. mate just won't terlelap. so, end up doing this. macam biase lah. haha. owh... went to Sabah again this year. hehe. nope, not to Sandakan and KK again but to Tawau. 

Tawau is a very quite town. orang kata the islands semua lawa kat situ. malangnye, i didn't get the chance to go to any island. it was only a short trip. i was there strictly for work. i don't really know anybody in Tawau. if i do know anybody there, confirm lah akan ajak ke pulau Sipadan or Mabul. oh. nope, i don't have diving license but it will be a great place to clear my mind. kalau ade org yang sanggup teman pun cukup. ermmmmm.. i want a travellling partner. 

so, tujuan pergi sane was to give a talk on the projek. mule-mule diberitahu bende ni macam briefing untuk lebih kurang 30 orang je. small group lah, orang yang ada kaitan. bile dah sampai sane, gelak-gelak on the way pergi makan, the lecturer yang kutip kat airport kate, 'there is a slight change in plan. the presentation will be held as an official thing. so, most of the students will be there, around 500 students'. mau tak rase macam nak kena heart attack? nasib selamat kembali. that was a huge shift in plan, bukan slight change lagi. ape lagi, mula lah fikir macam-macam. nak pengsan pun ada. masa makan pun diam je lah and makan sampai licin kut masi sepinggan. balik bilik after makan, terus tidur! tidur kejap je sebenarnya then, i was having nightmares. memang bangun lah. tempat baru kut.

esok pagi, bangun baru nak betulkan slide and bace slide. surprisingly, i didn't feel all stressed up and didn't panic at all. maybe pasal the thoughts in my head was somewhere else during my trip. pukul 11 am program start and ended around 2 pm. then, konon nak pergi jalan and bergambar sakan. however, it was raining dari sampai Tawau sampai last day kat Tawau. tak dapat lah. cume dapat pergi pasar. beli ikan masin and udang. ehe! (ade beli, jgn ingat takde). banyak betul bende at the pasar. jangan pandang rendah. huu..

last day (Rabu), flight pagi pukul 10.30 am. memang tak ke mane lah. bangun, breakfast and terus pergi airport. the shopping continues at the airport. ade lah terbeli keychain (macam biasa) and t-shirt (macam biasa gak). haha!! oh.... lupe nak mention one more thing, pergi Tawau lupe bawak towel! bilik tu takde towel. so mlm 1st tu lap dengan baju je. 2nd day baru beli towel. sdey kan... huuu...

p.s: i will upload some pictures (yang ada) nanti.. :)

p.s.s: i kinda miss KK.

come back

i wish i am in Penang with you

rainbow

i am leaving for somewhere over the sea later this afternoon but it is raining heavily now. hopefully the rain stops. when i hope its stops, it is getting more and more heavier. huhu. sejuk! anyway, please pray that i selamat pergi dan selamat kembali. if anything, everybody please maafkan semua salah silap yang pernah dilakukan plus, halalkan my makan minum and everything kay (drama much? no? oh.. remember what happened back in january 2007? huu). erm.. to be honest, i really don't want to go but ticket dah ade so, kena pergi. kalau tak, rugi..!

my destination:

Copied this from somewhere and add something on my own:

Forgive people and move forward - Don't live your live with hate in your heart. You will end up hurting yourself more than the people you hate. Forgiveness is not saying, "What you did to me is okay." It is saying, "I'm not going to let what you did to ruin my happiness forever." Forgiveness is the remedy. It does not mean you are erasing the past, or forgetting what happened. It means you are letting go of the resentment and pain, and instead choosing to learn from the incident and move on with your life. You might still be with the person who hurts you most or you might not but, start forgiving and let go of what you cannot change. Then, you can move on and live better in life. 

out of the box

i love this song so much. it means a lot to me. giving up on something you love is just wrong. you may love someone so much at one point that you should give that person all the faith you can possibly give to that person. i learn that the hard way. things might not be how i wanted it to be but, i am not giving up. i know/hope you are reading this. all i want is for you to help me in so many ways. so, this is for us. i hope it means something to you that this comes from me.

kinda in love with his voice,

so, nangis sorang..

[deleted]
and end up doing this.

(tau tak sedap but its from the heart)

p.s: might delete this bile mood ni hilang

semalam jumaat

okay, had a looooong day in the office yesterday. wanted to leave at 5 pm but no, the boss stopped me from leaving. i didn't have my long break yesterday just to cover the time that i got in late. so, i left around 6.30 pm and it was raining heavily, which was why i wanted to go back early. so guess what happened next? i got stuck in the stupid jam! how i had a SPLENDID time.

gosh! look at the time and i was not even half way home

oh... last but not least,

me.

(enjoying the jam and the rain, HAHA! - sangat happy)

due to all that, i am down with a bad migraine and slight fever. plus, been going to the toilet. huu! (semua pasal theory makan tomyam leh peluhkan badan and sehat cepat). in the end, had medicine without being forced. well, no one to actually force me and care about my silly welfare. no more 'are you okay syg?' 'dah makan ubat tak syg?' and 'esok jmpe syg kay?'. i freaking miss that but, life has to go on. i have to keep moving forward. i can't get the past back.