2016

1: What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

    I gave birth - the normal way

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

    I think so, insya Allah, there are things that can be improved
    Next year, i want to be a better person (for Allah)

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

    Yup, 3 of them - Afiq, Ena and Fatin ♥

4: Did anyone close to you die?

    We lost daddy, i miss him 

5: What countries did you visit?

    Still contained in Malaysia, huu

6: What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

    Better time management, big time

7: What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

    11th October, daddy passed away 

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

    To gave birth the normal way after 11 hours of labor

9: What was your biggest failure?

    Time management - giving full attention to 3 people is quite challenging

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

      Well, i had to do a procedure to take out what's left after giving birth (injury?)

11: What was the best thing you bought?

      Cloth diapers from @rocktak.baby

12: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

      His bonus, haha

13: Compared to this time last year, are you: 

      (a) happier or sadder? - happier

      (b) thinner or fatter?  - fatter

      (c) richer or poorer? - richer (in sya Allah)

14: What do you wish you’d done more of?

      Ibadah

15: What do you wish you’d done less of?

      Procastinating

16: Did you fall in love in 2016?

      Yes! I fell hard for the new baby, hehe

17: What was your favourite TV program?

      Nothing in particular

18: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

      Nope

      

19: What was your greatest musical discovery?

      Zahraa still loves to hear me sing, requests are pouring in

20: What did you want and get?

      Happiness (alhamdulillah)

21: What did you want and not get?

      Again - To live on our own (when the time is right, in sya Allah)

22: What was your favourite film of this year?

      I can't recall any film that i saw from beginning to end

23: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

      To be blessed with Ziqri

24: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

      Anything to make nursing in public easy

25: What kept you sane?

      Allah

26: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

      Taylor Swift

27: What political issue stirred you the most?

      -

28: Who did you miss?

      Mummy and daddy (uncle Halim), Al-Fatihah

29: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.

      Still adapting and let go what is beyond your control

30: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

      -

pantang to day 20 be like

okay, pantang kali ni macam ribut. tak menang tangan sangat. duduk hospital dah 5 hari. baby kena jaundice. masa duduk hospital tak berapa nak pantang. makanan hospital kisah pulak kita ni dalam pantang ke tak. ada sekali dia bagi ikan sambal, makan je lah, lapar. haha. nasib takde apa jadi. kite tak boleh lah nak expect hospital nak ikut cara kita pantang tapi maternity ward kut, bagi ikan sambal and ada sekali bubur kacang hijau. huuu. so, bila mil datang, memang syukur lah. dapat makan makanan home cooked and sedap.

so, lepas keluar hospital, mula lah pindah-pindah. first of all, pindah to puncak jalil. rumah sil. mil ada for one day after keluar hospital. keluar hospital saturday, sunday mil dah balik Kelantan. lepas tu tetap stay sana for one week, husby jaga. part makan tak boleh nak complain lebih lah, orang dah masak untuk kita. telan je. haha. minggu ni lah berurut. sedap gila urut. people who knows me well tahu how much i hate kena urut. this time sakit pun sakit lah, selesa. first day kena urut, rasa mengantuk sangat. second and third day fresh sikit. best makcik tu urut. memang recommended sangat untuk orang yang duduk area puncak jalil. then, khamis mil datang balik sampai saturday. lega lah husby. part masak tu release sikit. huu.

hari ahad balik subang. ho! ini stressful moment. macam nak pengsan tengok rumah. dengan messy nya, berhabuk lagi. tarik nafas dalam-dalam je lah, nangis gak diam-diam. naik turun tangga mencabar sikit. terasa gak lah. duduk subang sampai selasa. pressure sangat time ni. bayang kan, toilet ada kat bawah pun tak boleh nak guna. tak ke stress!

then, rabu pergi rumah uncle Halim. husby shift pagi. tak mampu lah nak uruskan semua sendiri kat rumah. so, ulang alik pagi malam hari rabu and khamis. hari jumaat tu, decided to stay. penat oh badan ulang alik dengan baby lagi, travel time lagi, kena naik tangga lagi lepas balik. so, bila stay jumaat and sabtu malam tu, badan memang dapat rest betul. tak ada gangguan tidur (i.e zahraa jumping around on the bed, shouting, snoring), nothing, memang rest sgt. heee. bila zahraa datang pagi, afternoon the kids are back layan dia. a had a bit of me time. makan bibik masak tapi sayang nya tak sempat nak masak the so sedap soup ikan merah. i had my first bread since pantang on Sunday for breakfast. sedap ya ampun. haha. melampau but untuk orang yang suka roti, memang nikmat.

ahad malam tu balik subang, bermula lah journey pantang sendiri di rumah sendiri. kali ni balik with a prepared mind. so, i was stronger mentally. tengok rumah sepah pun tutup je lah sebelah mata. nak buat tak boleh, kang lain cerita. banyak sabar je. so far we can manage. lepas kerja shift pagi hari tu, husby kerja shift malam, boleh lah lagi nak cope. ni esok dia dah kerja petang. tak tau lah macam mana nak uruskan 2 kids at bedtime hour, peak hour ni. good luck to me! insya Allah

second born child

alhamdulillah semua selamat. hari ni baby dah 8 hari dah. baby was overdue for a week. my belly was huge. haha. contractions started the day before, it was really painful but I decided to wait before going to the hospital. so, malam tu pergi makan tosai masala, teh o ais and beli ice cream McDonald's yang baru tu. sambil makan sambil than sakit. then around pukul 1 pagi, contractions stop. terus lena tido. terkejut makan ice cream mungkin. hee. lepas tu, pukul 4 start balik sakit. pagi tu memang dah ada appointment dengan PPUM, so, hantar zahraa pergi rumah mama and off we went. sampai sana, the process begins.

last photo as a family of 3

since I was overdue, they scheduled me to be induced. since I had a previous scar and the contractions are there, they decided to put me on oxytocin drip. gila sakit. they offered epidural, which they do to mothers with previous scar and had problems with their pregnancy. although with epidural, i can still feel the contractions, but it was manageable. dari pagi pukul 8.45am when the process started, they gave me a time frame of 8 hours maximum to get things done. by 8 hours, the Dr checked and my progress was good, the baby is going down so they gave me 4 more hours. Dr pun call husby bagitau to get ready. we didn't know PPUM allowed husband to come in so, it was a surprise for us.

memang Allah je yang boleh tolong situation macam tu. masa azan maghrib, sakit dah lain macam. epidural dosage habis, Dr bius datang, bagi ikut tiub and panggil gynae datang check, rupanya dah buka habis. Dr pun kelam kabut get things ready and call husby. I was already pushing with two housemans when husby arrived. the best thing there was the people involved was very supportive. after some 20 minutes of pushing, the medical officers took over. 10 minutes later the baby was out! it was so warm when they put it on my chest, my first experience. 5 minutes later, I felt dizzy, the doctors asked husby to get out, I was bleeding. I was blacked out but they kept on shaking me to wake me up, drugs and what not was inserted, Dr said it was critical as I lost 1 litre of blood and my pressure was 50/20. alhamdulillah we manage to get through it and here we are today.

meet my second born child - 

10 days

EDD in 10 days. not too sure how to feel. some part of me can't wait to get the baby out, some part of me rasa macam belum ready je. help! excited and nervous and everything all pack into one. i miss sleeping on my back and on my tummy. i miss not feeling any crazy pain every time i move. i miss moving around. i miss jumping around with Zahraa. at the same time, i love how i can see the baby move and how the movements got obvious by day. i love the feeling of someone loving me from the inside. insya Allah, please doakan semua dipermudahkan. aiming for natural birth this time around. harap sangat boleh.

makin dekat dengan due date ni, mood pun makin tak menentu. kesian lah dekat Zahraa and husby. kena tahan sikit. with Zahraa, no usual play time and no hanky panky. with husby, mood swings are almost the everyday thing (ini tak sure whether time pregnant je ke or memang macam ni, haha). sorry. dah try control dah ni tapi susah. stress kut. macam-macam faktor luaran dan dalaman yang menentukan.

after this, kena adjust to a new environment with the baby. we can get through this, yes we can. so far, most of the baby punya stuff akan libatkan Zahraa - every check up, shopping trips, kemas-kemas, movements and mummy's pain issue. dia pun rajin usap tummy and kiss while talking to the baby. Alhamdulillah. 

heavy

minggu ni masuk 32 minggu. huwaaa. sekejap je lagi dah ada 2 orang little people needing mummy's attention. lately ni Zahraa macam clingy sikit, hm, sikit ke. okay lah, boleh lagi nak melayan tapi lama-lama stress lah juga. dah one whole day together kan, sekali ada daddy pun, mummy hilang sekejap (naik atas ke, pergi toilet ke) dah macam orang hilang apa tah. sometimes bukan apa - penat, just nak duduk diam, breathe and nak take it all in. tak menyempat. believe it or not, time tidur pun sikit-sikit 'mummy, mummy' bila respond baru dia diam. i can barely sleep. the little one moving very actively at night and this one macam mantra 'mummy, mummy'. i wish i could sleep like my husband. haha. i really do.

makin lama makin tak mampu nak tunduk bagai dah. nak suap makan zahraa pun dah kira exercise. biasanya memang makan dekat hall. memang silap lah tak train makan dalam seat and duduk diam. big mistake! haha. in sya Allah the next one memang ajar siap-siap kena duduk diam time makan. i still do almost all of the housework, ini pun dah kira exercise. mengah naik turun tangga bawak laundry and clean the floor. last week, gigih buat fish pond. kalau nanti susah nak beranak gak tak tau lah. haha. even though i was still in the office at week 39 when i was with Zahraa, it was different movement wise. hee. kali ni penat! i gained 11kgs so far, so heavy.

oh. today my best friend gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy. alhamdulillah. 

kisah shift

hm. lebih kurang setahun kerja normal, kena masuk shift balik. itu lah dugaan orang kerja dengan port ni. kita ni ingat baru ingat nak cari kerja tapi kalau dah kerja shift, memang tak lah, huru-haru nanti. cukup lah last time punya ribut taufan. sebenarnya this is one of the factors resign dulu. pasal husby kerja shift ni lah. 

now, dia dah nak masuk shift balik, we are inhaling the last days slowly. officially masuk bulan May nanti, masuk lah dia shift. i don't know how i'll manage. sekarang dah ada routine. semua kira teratur lah. not only me, zahraa pun kena adapt daddy kejap ada kejap tak ada pagi/malam and why daddy akan tidur at odd hours. benda jadi sure bersebab. maybe we'll manage better with the baby if dia kerja shift.

last time during the first pantang we worked it out, okay je kut. honestly, i kind of like it. husby ada time pagi most days to mandi and basuh baju. he was home most of the day. the night was okay for me, cuma ada some days baby meragam, itu dengan mummy sekali nangis. kalau tak, tidur je, asal dapat susu. the cooking was done by the awesome bibik last time - sup ikan merah and lobak putih was the best of all. insya Allah nanti, husby punya job scope tambah satu lagi, masak! harapnya sedap, kalau tak, kena mintak tolong bibik again and husby kena collect dari rumah uncle lah.

current mood: cari recipe pantang sedap and tolerable

that time

there is always a time when you struggle between this and that. tonight i struggled between sleep time and some me time (struggle lah sangat kan). haha. me time won hence, the post. 

this week would be my last week of 2nd trimester. time flies. macam baru semalam je buat urine test. check ups has been hectic since ada 1 car je at the moment. pagi-pagi kena pergi port klang and back to clinic. lepas tu petang-petang back again to port klang. its a different thing altogether compare to the first pregnancy. 1st pregnancy was ALL about pampering. this time around, kena banyak independent. check up pula at 2 places (PPUM and KKIA) and appointments tak dapat nak clash. kat PPUM ada 2 section - normal check up and cardio check up, itu pun tak dapat nak clash. next month, 2 hari berturut-turut kena pergi PPUM. nasib lah kali ni. mujur Zahraa dengar kata bila alone with me. kalau dah pergi berdua, masuk toilet pun angkut sekali lah. the best part is, tiap kali kena cepat-cepat siap, Zahraa punya tangan dah standby dah dekat lock. pengsan oi! they should put the lock higher. huuu. its a race between me and my child. dia suka lah. macam kita main dengan dia. kita ni kena sangat efficient. haha. anyway, semua okay, alhamdulillah and so far dapat maintain weight. tak lebih dari 10kg but i still have like 12 more weeks to go! haha.

turning 3 next month *mommycries*

potty training

bila baca article and stuff, orang dah start potty training bila nak nak masuk 2 years old and so on. zahraa is turning 3 in May and we still tak potty train her seriously. i often tell her to let me know if she wants to shishi or poopoo. so far, she tells us when dia dah buat business dah in her diapers. hehe. then one day lepas mandi, i let her run around naked. i always do that to let her butt have a break and some air. i was searching for her clothes when she shouted 'mommy, nak shishi'. i immediately thought dah shishi dah but, i still tell her, 'nak shishi masuk toilet please'. apparently dia belum shishi and that was her first time consciously shishi dalam toilet sendiri. yehoo! i was excited and proud of her. her second time and third was on her own too. second time, she undone everything herself and climbed on the toilet. her third time was when she was having her bath and she felt like it, so she climbed up onto the toilet. then , her fourth time was yesterday morning when i reminded her before going downstairs. hopefully this continues and we will be able to go diapers free by June! siap buat quiz from Huggies Pull-ups Training Pants okay to find out potty training personality.

i guess this is a way of her telling us that she is ready. every child ada kemajuan ikut diri sendiri. kalau paksa sangat pun tak guna gak. tak menjadi and dia jadi frustrated. i let her be and she surprised me. like how she can recognised some alphabets and numbers. masa belajar sama-sama macam tak tau je. bila sendiri, rupanya dia tahu. hee.

both of us kena keep up with this potty training thingy.  good luck to us!

p.s: the new baby hajat nak pakai reusable diapers once everything settled down nanti, which might take 3 months insyaAllah. hee! takut plus can't wait. 

sunyi Sunday

weekend ni duduk rumah je tak buat apa. masak pun tak berapa nak masak. semalam punya leftovers ada lagi so, malam ni buat apa yang mampu je lah dari leftovers tu. 

sebenarnya tak suka sangat bila sunyi macam ni. the brain tends to think too much. i prefer having things to do, keep myself busy walaupun kadang-kadang tu stress juga pasal penat. today i miss mum. i always miss her but some days more. i miss having someone to talk to. yes, i have my family etc. but mum is just different. i might kena ketuk dengan dia bila mengadu pelik-pelik tapi that is what i need some times. nobody knows us best like our mum. i had her, only her. mana ada adik-beradik ke nak sisters day out ke, siblings day out ke bagai. i always rely on her.

Allah tak bagi kita dugaan yang kita tak boleh tanggung. to return to Him. He is all i have now. asyik-asyik nangis. tak elok bila asyik terkenang je but i imagined how life would be if mum is still around. things would be different, both good and bad. 

for now, lets be the mum that my children will always remember. they can look back and see once i am gone how much i loved them, put them above everything and was there every time they needed me. be the mother that my mother was.

al-Fatihah to mummy, Faiziah Ishak

p.s: damn you, hormones!

peristiwa

ternampak peristiwa yang tak best hari ni. ada family ni tengah makan - husband, wife and anak. tak pasti apa arguement yang terjadi. husband dia marah. husband dia bangun and panggil wife dia 'f****r' lepas tu macam nak walk away tapi patah balik and cakap 'u ni memang celaka, celaka, celaka'. tah berapa kali ulang tah sambil tuding jari kat muka wife dia. anak diorang tengah-tengah. kira husband dia tuding jari kat muka wife dia depan muka anak dia. terkejut. anak dia tengok wife dia nangis, nangis lah gak. anak mana boleh tengok mak nangis, sensitive kan. huhu. wife dia pregnant pulak tu. Allah. 

lepas tu, husband dia pun walk away. wife ni mengalir je air mata, sambil suap anak makan, sambil anak lap air mata mak dia. macam drama pun ada dah. sayup-sayup macam dengar anak tu cakap 'abah marah mama, huh' then anak dia cakap 'mama, no cry, shhh' gitu. innocent nya jiwa seorang budak. sedih situasi tu. semoga wanita itu tabah in her life. i am not sure i would be strong enough if i was her. ada nangis 3 hari, 3 malam tak berhenti. tak pun, tiba-tiba hati jadi keras and terus tak rasa apa-apa. entah. 

personally, i think parents should never swear in front of their kids. EVER. ini lagi lah, calling the mother of your child macam tu depan your child. it shows what kind of a person you are. yes, you may be angry or furious at that point of time, try to istighfar or just walk away if you know you are about to swear, lawan lah nafsu tu sikit. i lose my temper too sometimes, everybody does. there is a limit to everything. respect your child. you may not respect your wife or maybe you are having issues with her or maybe you are in the midst of separating/divorcing, who knows, but show your child what kind of man he should be or show what kind of man she should find when he/she grows up. just my point of view.

bye 1st trimester

Alhamdulillah. there are many challenges throughout but we made it through. its totally different from the first one. complete opposite. i always thought the first was the hardest but now i change my mind. the more kids you have, the more tired you'll be during pregnancy. haha. you can't think of your own self, you have a kid to look after (the whole day!).

week 5

happy week, pasal biasanya kan morning sickness mula this week. i felt nothing. yes, nothing! good start. even though tiba-tiba muka naik pimples, its okay as long as i can eat. asyik lapar je memanjang. risau juga at first kenapa tak ada morning sickness tapi some people kadang-kadang terlepas kut.

week 6

no morning sickness tapi sickness lain pula. tak boleh bau orang masak, including myself. bau tumis-tumis ni buat rasa loya and then terus hilang selera nak makan. no cooking for me starting from this week. husby balik kerja and masak. thank you!

week 7

Zahraa sakit gigi. memang tak tidur lah malam. she was having high fever (38 - 40ºC) Monday to Thursday. so tiring, maka minggu ni macam sloth sikit. gigi baru tumbuh, not sure what it is called but gigi yang besar sikit tu, belah belakang. tumbuh 2, both on bottom gum. ingat tumbuh 4 sekali as gum atas pun merah tp 2 je yang naik. pengsan lah nak tunggu yang atas pula. soft diet for her the whole week. 

week 8

lepas anak tumbuh gigi, turn mak dia pula. dah tua ni pun tumbuh gigi. the very last one. sakit! bermula lah drama kat rumah ni. i can't sleep. so, i was cranky and sikit-sikit nangis. tahan lah juga.  one night i chocked on my own saliva. pergi Dr dapat antibiotics, panadol and ubat tido (to help me sleep). he can only give panadol as my painkiller. itu je yang mampu bagi.

week 9

bad news this week. uncle Halim fell in his office in Penang, kena stroke and had to go through some procedure to remove the blood clot in his brain. he was really weak. reminds me of mum when she was in hospital. my heart just sank when i heard the news. i would go straight away if i can. unfortunately, i myself was admitted due to gum infection, lepas nak dua papan panadol habis. huu. sad week. kena tabah.

week 10

went to visit uncle Halim in Penang. he was recovering well. aunty said he was so much better than last week. Alhamdulillah. i still cried a little when i saw him. he was just okay few weeks back. kita tak tahu kan what tomorrow brings. since dah sampai Penang, makan je lah kerjanya. dapat makan roti canai transfer road, naan and tandoori, pasembor, fried oyster, nasi kandar and cendol. tu je sempat, huhu. teringin gak nak makan kuehteow tapi kenyang sangat, mujur dekat uptown sini ada yang sedap.

week 11

balik Kelantan and continue makan, makan and makan. dapat makan nasi kerabu, nasi kukus, nasi serati and apam balik. lepas tu, beli serunding. serunding ni memang makanan wajib ada. entah, boleh kata ketagih kut. makan dengan roti biasanya. dulu makan dengan meggi. so, since dah kena puasa meggi, roti lah. kadang-kadang pula nasi, serunding and telur kicap. sedap! okay, lapar dah. hm!

week 12

most waited week. orang kata ni lah minggu selamat. in sya Allah. so far so good. this week, even though most waited, towards the end ni kena food poisoning. mula-mula Zahraa then me. seksa. tak dapat ubat untuk sakit perut. Dr just bagi ubat muntah and ORS. kena tahan sikit. sakit perut and sakit belakang. rasa macam contraction okay. takut! hee. Dr kata sakit belakang tu pasal badan dah tak cukup air and everything is fine. balik terus minum ORS and air. memang kalah kalau sakit belakang. oh! and uncle Halim finally get to go back to the comfort of his own home. Alhamdulillah.

week 13
rupanya 1st trimester ends at week 13. i always thought week 12 dah habis dah. siap dah post and retract balik post ni. haha. week 13, life goes on. dah start masak macam biasa semua. cuma malam je macam orang kerja buruh. penat! tummy still tak nampak lagi. maybe macam zahraa kut. dah nak masuk 6 months baru nampak. we will see. oh. did our scan on Friday week 13, pumpkin was moving, drinking water and crossing his/her legs. orang yang scan siap tolak-tolak lagi untuk measure panjang dia. hee.

officially beginning 2nd trimester this week, hope and pray for a smooth journey.

p.s: my high school best friend is having her contractions now. may Allah ease her delivery.

breastfeeding, little peanut

the end came last Thursday. little peanut was her nickname when she was in me. maybe sebab tu kurus macam peanut with curve at the pinggang. haha. sedih but at the same time, lega. i am too tired and it hurts. 

it was never easy from the beginning. i had trouble latching early on which led to blisters. i was really uncomfortable with the surrounding. i even ended up in the hospital because of infection. i really wanted to try but i didn't have enough knowledge (which i shall bulk up for my next one) and the support i needed (which to stay positive and know the only support is myself and fight for what i feel right). i ended up being a full time pumping mom since she was 2 months old. so, i have been pumping for 2 years and 7 months. it was a rough, painful and emotional journey but every second of it was worth it. good job to me. yeay! siapa lagi nak puji kan. hehe.

bila tengok anak orang lain minum direct, pedih juga hati. bukan dengki tapi rasa kekurangan. bila pula anak dengki sepupu dia, saja minum kat mak orang tu, memang hancur lah hati. bukan minum banyak pun, tp minumlah juga. depan orang kita kena lah control. orang kadang-kadang tak tau apa kita rasa. yes, i can smile at that moment but i cried afterwards. every single time. orang tak faham the pain and siap bagitau semua orang lagi that my own daughter wanted her and tak nak pun dekat me. as mothers, there's that unspoken language that we should understand. i just wish she knew how much it effected me. benda dah lepas, it still hurts when i think of it (like right now) but, tak boleh tukar. biar je lah. maybe i should be honest next time. entah. 

anyway, towards the end, ada selang-selang hari pump even sikit je dapat, dapam 1oz je. sometimes dia mintak, 'mummy, pump'. tak sampai hati, tu yang pump juga sampai dah tak dapat pun 1 oz, maybe 1/2oz je. last pump dapat 2ml je mungkin. itu lah last for her. dia minum even susu dah rasa pelik sikit. rezeki dia panjang, alhamdulillah sangat. thank you Allah for the journey.