Thursday, 20 April 2017

school trip

Today Zahraa went to her first school trip. Should I be sad? Haha. She was super excited about this trip. I showed her photos of the place earlier on. This morning when she woke up, she was easier to handle. She got up all happy and didn't need that extra time just to wake up. She wanted to cry when we told her it's morning, she wanted it to be afternoon. She goes to school in the afternoon session okay hence the confusion. Hee. Alhamdulillah all went well. Siap tertidur dalam bus masa on the way balik. Penat sangat tu. Memang puas dia main. Lompat, panjat, haa, buat lah apa nak. Memang favorite pun activities macam tu. Thank you to the school organize trip ni. 

So, lets go back to the question - Should I be sad?
No. I am not in any way. I am happy to see her very happy. I am taking it all in. I can't stop time but I can live within the seconds. 





Monday, 10 April 2017

help

Why do I feel like things are getting harder by day? Am I not thankful enough of things. It should be a blessing that I get to stay home and watch my kids grow right in front of me. Not many people get to do that. I am having everything every other mothers want, to be there for their kids throughout. So, why am I not feeling okay with it. Where did it go wrong. 

This should not be happening. This is the life I chose. I feel bad feeling this way. What can I do to make it all better? This is a help me post. I am at lost. Each passing day I feel like I am there for the kids in quantity and not quality, especially for Zahraa. I have plenty of time for Ziqri when Zahraa leave for school. But when she is at home I will still be putting Ziqri first, he is clingy, mind you. 

How do I pick myself up? To be a better mother, wife and daughter. I am having doubts about myself, which make it all worse. 

P. S: I just had a very tearful shower




Tuesday, 10 January 2017

Zahraa - First day of School

She has been counting down days to go to school since we went for a visit last November. Suka betul nak sekolah. Masa short visit tu, Zahraa ingat dah boleh terus pergi so, she was a bit bumped when we told her it was just a visit. Dari situ, we included her dalam proses nak daftar lah. Bukan banyak pun, isi borang and choose the school shirt color. Excited bukan main. I don't remember being that excited when I was told that I was going to school. Definitely bot from me, I was a weird child, very reclusive.  

3rd January 2017 was her first day at school. I expected her to stay close to me and daddy. To be shy but happy at the same time. I was WRONG! I have been mentally prepared 'Biasa lah drama time budak-budak first day sekolah. Huu.' Turns out I was the one yang sedih. Of course I didn't show her. Menangis dalam hati je lah! Dia boleh terus tinggalkan kami, and when asked if it was okay to leave her there, she said YES. Mummy pun balik lah, terasa juga lah sunyi dia. Itu part pergi.

Then bila pick up time, dia tak nak balik. Double whamp! Isn't she happy to go home?? Touching oi mummy! Dia punya menangis tak nak balik macam orang kena dera. Menangis plus menjerit. Huwaaa. Sedih bertambah. Habis negative thinking dah mummy dia ni - duduk dengan mummy tak best ke, mummy ni tak fun ke, mummy tak cukup layan ke. Tak pyscho mak ko? Padahal she enjoy going to school, making new friends, doing new stuff - which is a good thing. Plus, it proves the school we choose is the right choice for her. 

I'll always remember this day. Unfortunately, the first week of school punya photos semua hilang. Sorry Zahraa. Not me okay, daddy format his phone. Your day will always be in our mind, insyaAllah. 

Saturday, 31 December 2016

2016

1: What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?
    I gave birth - the normal way

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
    I think so, insya Allah, there are things that can be improved
    Next year, i want to be a better person (for Allah)

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?
    Yup, 3 of them - Afiq, Ena and Fatin 

4: Did anyone close to you die?
    We lost daddy, i miss him 

5: What countries did you visit?
    Still contained in Malaysia, huu

6: What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?
    Better time management, big time

7: What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
    11th October, daddy passed away 

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?
    To gave birth the normal way after 11 hours of labor

9: What was your biggest failure?
    Time management - giving full attention to 3 people is quite challenging

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?
      Well, i had to do a procedure to take out what's left after giving birth (injury?)

11: What was the best thing you bought?
      Cloth diapers from @rocktak.baby

12: What did you get really, really, really excited about?
      His bonus, haha

13: Compared to this time last year, are you: 
      (a) happier or sadder? - happier
      (b) thinner or fatter?  - fatter
      (c) richer or poorer? - richer (in sya Allah)

14: What do you wish you’d done more of?
      Ibadah

15: What do you wish you’d done less of?
      Procastinating

16: Did you fall in love in 2016?
      Yes! I fell hard for the new baby, hehe

17: What was your favourite TV program?
      Nothing in particular

18: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
      Nope
      
19: What was your greatest musical discovery?
      Zahraa still loves to hear me sing, requests are pouring in

20: What did you want and get?
      Happiness (alhamdulillah)

21: What did you want and not get?
      Again - To live on our own (when the time is right, in sya Allah)

22: What was your favourite film of this year?
      I can't recall any film that i saw from beginning to end

23: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
      To be blessed with Ziqri

24: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?
      Anything to make nursing in public easy

25: What kept you sane?
      Allah

26: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
      Taylor Swift

27: What political issue stirred you the most?
      -

28: Who did you miss?
      Mummy and daddy (uncle Halim), Al-Fatihah

29: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.
      Still adapting and let go what is beyond your control

30: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
      -

Monday, 22 August 2016

pantang to day 20 be like

okay, pantang kali ni macam ribut. tak menang tangan sangat. duduk hospital dah 5 hari. baby kena jaundice. masa duduk hospital tak berapa nak pantang. makanan hospital kisah pulak kita ni dalam pantang ke tak. ada sekali dia bagi ikan sambal, makan je lah, lapar. haha. nasib takde apa jadi. kite tak boleh lah nak expect hospital nak ikut cara kita pantang tapi maternity ward kut, bagi ikan sambal and ada sekali bubur kacang hijau. huuu. so, bila mil datang, memang syukur lah. dapat makan makanan home cooked and sedap.

so, lepas keluar hospital, mula lah pindah-pindah. first of all, pindah to puncak jalil. rumah sil. mil ada for one day after keluar hospital. keluar hospital saturday, sunday mil dah balik Kelantan. lepas tu tetap stay sana for one week, husby jaga. part makan tak boleh nak complain lebih lah, orang dah masak untuk kita. telan je. haha. minggu ni lah berurut. sedap gila urut. people who knows me well tahu how much i hate kena urut. this time sakit pun sakit lah, selesa. first day kena urut, rasa mengantuk sangat. second and third day fresh sikit. best makcik tu urut. memang recommended sangat untuk orang yang duduk area puncak jalil. then, khamis mil datang balik sampai saturday. lega lah husby. part masak tu release sikit. huu.

hari ahad balik subang. ho! ini stressful moment. macam nak pengsan tengok rumah. dengan messy nya, berhabuk lagi. tarik nafas dalam-dalam je lah, nangis gak diam-diam. naik turun tangga mencabar sikit. terasa gak lah. duduk subang sampai selasa. pressure sangat time ni. bayang kan, toilet ada kat bawah pun tak boleh nak guna. tak ke stress!

then, rabu pergi rumah uncle Halim. husby shift pagi. tak mampu lah nak uruskan semua sendiri kat rumah. so, ulang alik pagi malam hari rabu and khamis. hari jumaat tu, decided to stay. penat oh badan ulang alik dengan baby lagi, travel time lagi, kena naik tangga lagi lepas balik. so, bila stay jumaat and sabtu malam tu, badan memang dapat rest betul. tak ada gangguan tidur (i.e zahraa jumping around on the bed, shouting, snoring), nothing, memang rest sgt. heee. bila zahraa datang pagi, afternoon the kids are back layan dia. a had a bit of me time. makan bibik masak tapi sayang nya tak sempat nak masak the so sedap soup ikan merah. i had my first bread since pantang on Sunday for breakfast. sedap ya ampun. haha. melampau but untuk orang yang suka roti, memang nikmat.

ahad malam tu balik subang, bermula lah journey pantang sendiri di rumah sendiri. kali ni balik with a prepared mind. so, i was stronger mentally. tengok rumah sepah pun tutup je lah sebelah mata. nak buat tak boleh, kang lain cerita. banyak sabar je. so far we can manage. lepas kerja shift pagi hari tu, husby kerja shift malam, boleh lah lagi nak cope. ni esok dia dah kerja petang. tak tau lah macam mana nak uruskan 2 kids at bedtime hour, peak hour ni. good luck to me! insya Allah

Tuesday, 2 August 2016

second born child

alhamdulillah semua selamat. hari ni baby dah 8 hari dah. baby was overdue for a week. my belly was huge. haha. contractions started the day before, it was really painful but I decided to wait before going to the hospital. so, malam tu pergi makan tosai masala, teh o ais and beli ice cream McDonald's yang baru tu. sambil makan sambil than sakit. then around pukul 1 pagi, contractions stop. terus lena tido. terkejut makan ice cream mungkin. hee. lepas tu, pukul 4 start balik sakit. pagi tu memang dah ada appointment dengan PPUM, so, hantar zahraa pergi rumah mama and off we went. sampai sana, the process begins.

last photo as a family of 3

since I was overdue, they scheduled me to be induced. since I had a previous scar and the contractions are there, they decided to put me on oxytocin drip. gila sakit. they offered epidural, which they do to mothers with previous scar and had problems with their pregnancy. although with epidural, i can still feel the contractions, but it was manageable. dari pagi pukul 8.45am when the process started, they gave me a time frame of 8 hours maximum to get things done. by 8 hours, the Dr checked and my progress was good, the baby is going down so they gave me 4 more hours. Dr pun call husby bagitau to get ready. we didn't know PPUM allowed husband to come in so, it was a surprise for us.

memang Allah je yang boleh tolong situation macam tu. masa azan maghrib, sakit dah lain macam. epidural dosage habis, Dr bius datang, bagi ikut tiub and panggil gynae datang check, rupanya dah buka habis. Dr pun kelam kabut get things ready and call husby. I was already pushing with two housemans when husby arrived. the best thing there was the people involved was very supportive. after some 20 minutes of pushing, the medical officers took over. 10 minutes later the baby was out! it was so warm when they put it on my chest, my first experience. 5 minutes later, I felt dizzy, the doctors asked husby to get out, I was bleeding. I was blacked out but they kept on shaking me to wake me up, drugs and what not was inserted, Dr said it was critical as I lost 1 litre of blood and my pressure was 50/20. alhamdulillah we manage to get through it and here we are today.

meet my second born child - 


Saturday, 9 July 2016

10 days

EDD in 10 days. not too sure how to feel. some part of me can't wait to get the baby out, some part of me rasa macam belum ready je. help! excited and nervous and everything all pack into one. i miss sleeping on my back and on my tummy. i miss not feeling any crazy pain every time i move. i miss moving around. i miss jumping around with Zahraa. at the same time, i love how i can see the baby move and how the movements got obvious by day. i love the feeling of someone loving me from the inside. insya Allah, please doakan semua dipermudahkan. aiming for natural birth this time around. harap sangat boleh.

makin dekat dengan due date ni, mood pun makin tak menentu. kesian lah dekat Zahraa and husby. kena tahan sikit. with Zahraa, no usual play time and no hanky panky. with husby, mood swings are almost the everyday thing (ini tak sure whether time pregnant je ke or memang macam ni, haha). sorry. dah try control dah ni tapi susah. stress kut. macam-macam faktor luaran dan dalaman yang menentukan.

after this, kena adjust to a new environment with the baby. we can get through this, yes we can. so far, most of the baby punya stuff akan libatkan Zahraa - every check up, shopping trips, kemas-kemas, movements and mummy's pain issue. dia pun rajin usap tummy and kiss while talking to the baby. Alhamdulillah.