unwanted

Eceh. Title macam apa je. Haha. Emo betul, padahal anak pergi sleepover je pun. Dua tiga bulan ni banyak kali pulak Zahraa mintak nak sleep over rumah mama. Aih. Dulu selalu kena kan dia nak tinggal dia situ, sekarang dia yang mintak. Dia mintak! As a mom, separation anxiety is always there, if it is not obvious, it's still there deep down. I appreciate the down time I get but, deep down I miss her and the weird stuff she does. So, obviously, tonight she is not here. 

Mummy miss you!

I was not as brave as she was when I was small. It was all fun and games until its night time. There's this one time I tried to call home when I was sent to JB. I really don't know how and I got the number from my grandma's phone book.  I have no idea on the state code and all. Some Chinese uncle picked up, I cried and hang up. It was 3 in the morning mind you. Huu. Didn't tell anyone about that and cried myself to sleep. Sad moment of my life < unwanted. 

But, look at her below, she's having so much fun, both of my girls are enjoying their time together. I am relieved and sad at the same time. Mummy emotions running all over me. 

Thank you mama and daddy long for making her childhood memories even better, I couldn't ask for more. Nanti bilik Ara siap, Nia sleepover here pulak okay. 

Last day of School

One year of school is finally over. That went by fast. Pheeww! Today ada appreciation day dekat sekolah dia. Kira graduation day lah, hee. Tak lah fancy, just a small gathering of parents and kids, and of course the teachers. The kids buat dance performance for the parents. Zahraa kata buat show, macam wow gitu. But, I am somewhat happy with whatever she does so to me it was wow lah kut. Haha. See you guys next year teachers and friends, insyaAllah 

Yang kat bawah ni orang paling penat, hee 

First time slide sendiri 💪🏻

school trip

Today Zahraa went to her first school trip. Should I be sad? Haha. She was super excited about this trip. I showed her photos of the place earlier on. This morning when she woke up, she was easier to handle. She got up all happy and didn't need that extra time just to wake up. She wanted to cry when we told her it's morning, she wanted it to be afternoon. She goes to school in the afternoon session okay hence the confusion. Hee. Alhamdulillah all went well. Siap tertidur dalam bus masa on the way balik. Penat sangat tu. Memang puas dia main. Lompat, panjat, haa, buat lah apa nak. Memang favorite pun activities macam tu. Thank you to the school organize trip ni. 

So, lets go back to the question - Should I be sad?
No. I am not in any way. I am happy to see her very happy. I am taking it all in. I can't stop time but I can live within the seconds. 

help

Why do I feel like things are getting harder by day? Am I not thankful enough of things. It should be a blessing that I get to stay home and watch my kids grow right in front of me. Not many people get to do that. I am having everything every other mothers want, to be there for their kids throughout. So, why am I not feeling okay with it. Where did it go wrong. 

This should not be happening. This is the life I chose. I feel bad feeling this way. What can I do to make it all better? This is a help me post. I am at lost. Each passing day I feel like I am there for the kids in quantity and not quality, especially for Zahraa. I have plenty of time for Ziqri when Zahraa leave for school. But when she is at home I will still be putting Ziqri first, he is clingy, mind you. 

How do I pick myself up? To be a better mother, wife and daughter. I am having doubts about myself, which make it all worse. 

P. S: I just had a very tearful shower

Zahraa - First day of School

She has been counting down days to go to school since we went for a visit last November. Suka betul nak sekolah. Masa short visit tu, Zahraa ingat dah boleh terus pergi so, she was a bit bumped when we told her it was just a visit. Dari situ, we included her dalam proses nak daftar lah. Bukan banyak pun, isi borang and choose the school shirt color. Excited bukan main. I don't remember being that excited when I was told that I was going to school. Definitely bot from me, I was a weird child, very reclusive.  

3rd January 2017 was her first day at school. I expected her to stay close to me and daddy. To be shy but happy at the same time. I was WRONG! I have been mentally prepared 'Biasa lah drama time budak-budak first day sekolah. Huu.' Turns out I was the one yang sedih. Of course I didn't show her. Menangis dalam hati je lah! Dia boleh terus tinggalkan kami, and when asked if it was okay to leave her there, she said YES. Mummy pun balik lah, terasa juga lah sunyi dia. Itu part pergi.

Then bila pick up time, dia tak nak balik. Double whamp! Isn't she happy to go home?? Touching oi mummy! Dia punya menangis tak nak balik macam orang kena dera. Menangis plus menjerit. Huwaaa. Sedih bertambah. Habis negative thinking dah mummy dia ni - duduk dengan mummy tak best ke, mummy ni tak fun ke, mummy tak cukup layan ke. Tak pyscho mak ko? Padahal she enjoy going to school, making new friends, doing new stuff - which is a good thing. Plus, it proves the school we choose is the right choice for her. 

I'll always remember this day. Unfortunately, the first week of school punya photos semua hilang. Sorry Zahraa. Not me okay, daddy format his phone. Your day will always be in our mind, insyaAllah.