father figure

father's day is coming soon. never really did celebrate it.

being a father is being so much more than someone calling you dad. same thing about being a mom. it means being there whenever your child needs you. sometimes it might be just for him/her to show you something silly or telling you things in her own way. i clearly have some issue with my childhood. i pray that she'll never have to go through what i went through.

yes, i have a father. yes, he was there mostly when i was small and less as my age progressed. even though he was around, i was raised by my mother. she thought me almost everything about life. she was my everything and it was a huge lost for me when she passed. i even thought twice about staying here with him. i never had this close relationship with my father like most daughters do. no, i don't intend to change how things are with my father. i can't. he is just different. years have gone by, many things happened in between and he is just someone i call ayah.

last week at my uncle's, i saw my uncle treating his 27 years old daughter like a little girl - i want my daughter to have that sort of relationship with her dad.

to the father of my child - 

be more than a dad

guide her close to Allah

be someone who listens 

respect her needs and wants
be honest

spend time with her 

be there for her 

teach her patiently 

provide for her

never walk out on her

i will do the same, in sya Allah.

19th February 2015

ya Allah, besar nya dugaan sahabatku. masa dengar berita memang tak percaya. baru je jumpa arwah hari tu. nampak okay je, ceria sangat. jadi shield Isa di kala kena buli dengan Zahraa. manja betul Isa dengan papa dia. arwah kembali ke rahmatullah dia pagi 19th February. 

sayang, i am not good with words. i try to be. kadang-kadang nak tanya 'how are you?' pun macam tertanya-tanya, boleh ke, logic ke soalan tu, macam tak sesuai nak tanya pun ada tapi tanya kan juga. huu. we hope you stay strong. kalau nak teman pergi mana-mana, bagitau kami, kami akan cuba. kalau nak borak kosong lama-lama, tak kira masa, call lah kami, kami akan ada. bayak lagi kalau, bagitau je, insyaAllah kami akan ada. of course kami tak mampu nak ada seperti mana arwah ada all the time tapi kami akan cuba. you are not alone, never alone. take care sayang.

when work is the priority

its tough when you have to choose between family and work. i was so down this morning that ayah was my out. that was the last choice, believe me. i don't normally talk to my family members about problems i faced personally. they will always put me first before anything. always. that is what family do. 

last night, hashrul got a call at 11.00 pm saying he had to go to work at at that moment. it was heartbreaking for me. i was shocked, its hard for me to get a solid time with him. he'll always be with his phone every night before bed (when he is home) - on youtube, facebook, instagram, office's email and games. last night when i had the time i was looking forward to, he had to go to work. being me, i cried a little but i didn't even say the slightest no. he was taken a back and became angry instead. the guilty part of him kicked in but, he won't admit that.

so, he went to work and i was left behind, alone. i broke down the moment he stepped out the door. he might not understand what i felt and how i am coping with what i felt. he told me that i am supposed to support him and make life easier for him, which i completely disagree. as if i am the burden in his life. it can work both ways. well, last night has passed. i stayed up the whole night thinking. that moment was not healthy for the baby. many arguments have erupted because of his workload. the important advice i once got was, 'never bring your work stress back home, it will effect your family'. the moment work is effecting what you have with your family, its not worth it. think about it. maybe its time to move on and find a better option.

i told him today, i have a heart that feels i am much more important than work but, i also have a brain to think and know that work is important. yes, the heart will always win the battle with the brain but, the brain will always kick in. 

i need support, i never asked for it but i really need it, be it emotionally or physically. i need it. i miss the person i can talk to about anything and everything. i miss having the person around. its not that i need much, i just need someone to talk to. i just need you. i miss my support system, my soul mate.

tarikh ini

well, tarikh ni adalah tarikh yang plan nak nikah dulu because i love this flow of the date and 20hb kan. THE number. so, today, terfikir lah semua. boleh? macam-macam 'kalau' muncul dalam otak but, yang paling sedih is mummy takde. teringat ada satu hari tu, i asked mum - mummy kalau nak kahwin 20hb December 2012 boleh? mummy pandang pelik. then cakap boleh. huhu. this is life. kita plan lain tapi Allah lagi tahu apa untuk kita. oh. if 20hb December 2012 tarikh kita, harus lah today kita nikah kan. hari ni baru nak rasa married life semua. hm. camne tu. jeng jeng jeng. anyway, bila lah nak buat post pasal little one ni. heee! nak jadi mummy dah. i just wish mum is with me through out this period. its not easy. sedih sangat bila tengok orang lain ada their mum nak ngadu ke, nak mintak makan ke, nak cerita-cerita ke, nak tau apa nak buat nanti ke, nak mintak teman check kat doc ke. ya Allah, mintak kuat kan diri ini. Al-fatihah untuk mummy.

losing mum

words can't describe macam mana i am feeling right now. ini lah dugaan paling besar dari Allah. yes, semua yang hidup memang akan kembali pada-Nya. at the same time, losing someone you love most is hard. its like a big piece of me was taken away. the piece that matters most. it was only her that was there every single time i need someone. tak pernah orang lain. entah, depan orang tak mampu nak tunjuk apa sebenarnya dalam hati. insyaAllah diri ni reda dengan pemergian arwah. cuma, semua benda pun teringat mummy. it still feels weird calling mummy arwah. 25 tahun hidup, my world does revolve around her. she is my mummy, my best friend, my heart, my everything. so, how exactly can you move on when you lost everything? its getting harder day by day.

tigabelas november

well, orang tak tau, actually 13 November adalah tarikh yang significant dalam hidup sejak 2010. things that happened was life changing. even hashrul don't remember. ye lah, lelaki and tarikh kan. susah nak jumpa yang ingat details ni. haha. sentiasa kena hint lah, ingat kan lah. tahun ni decided to diam je. confirm lah dia tak ingat tapi at least i remember and keep it close to my heart. oh! tahun ni tarikh tu jatuh pulak time hari perayaan - happy Deepavali to all! heee.

masa 2010, 13 November tahun ni tukar my life bila hashrul told me that he loves me. that was the first time. my heart stopped because at that point it wasn't right. so, of course i did not say it back to him. i just froze. bila balik, nangis. sampai hari ni still tak tau kenapa nangis that night. nak cakap balik memang tak mampu sangat (pasal sayang sangat kat orang lain time tu, huuu!). in the end, agak tergantung gak lah. cuma lepas tu, i sent him a long text message explaining what happened. since that day, he never gave up. dia nak prove diri dia. he kept on being there 24/7 (biasa lah lelaki bila nak something yang dia belum dapat, ehem!) but, eventually sekejap gak lah lepas tu, dinding yang kepung hati ni supaya orang lain tak masuk macam kena langgar dengan bulldozer. hancur macam tu je. 

lepas tu, in 2011 pulak, dia jumpa my parents. dia sendiri lah kirenye merisik, tak ikut dah cara tradisional ni. haha. bukan ape, tah, dia nak jumpa parents. makan kat ole-ole bali (selingan: oh! ole-ole bali ni macam jadi tempat penting pulak dalam isu-isu hidup kami). ini first time dia bersemuka dengan ayah and mummy secara formal and serious. tak lah serious mana tapi menunjukkan dia serious lah kan. macam nak cabut jantung time tu. iyelah, dia akan jadi imam, pembimbing and father to my kids. dalam hati pun tak tau nak rasa apa. semua campur. yelah, time tu macam tak sure lagi tapi dah sayang kan. things went all that day. of course lah, dah kawin kan. haha! 

kena soal, ini serious! hehe

my parents

 first picture dia and mummy

tahun ni, life is changing too fast. pelik bila hati tak ada perasaan, kurang ke rasa cinta kat dia or dah tepu? sabar memang sabar. terlalu sabar. lama-lama diri pun tukar dengan sendirinya. this time around its different. dah kahwin and bukan main-main lagi. insyaAllah things will get better in my heart. kena yakin dekat Allah ini semua dugaan. dia pun suami yang baik and he changed, A LOT. everybody deserve a second chance in life. 

4 bulan / 123 hari

ya Allah. sekejap nye rasa (sekejap ke?) today genap 4 bulan jadik isteri orang and setengah dari 4 bulan tu, jadi something else. haha. hari ni tergerak nak buat something. patutnya tak payah. sayu lepas tu. padan muka sendiri. ye lah, bende dah lepas and tak boleh buat apa pun, still nak teringat and baca balik. dah memang diri ni macam ni kan. fuh! pengsan lah macam ni.

lately ni berat susut. patutnya tak boleh susut, samada maintain or naik sikit. tadi ayah call (yes, time kerja ni), kena one whole lecture on healthy eating. something about not eating right and tak cukup nutrient. kena lah marah. confirm malam ni kena paksa makan banyak. macam tak nak balik rumah je ni. takut. lari! heee! urm.. dulu ada orang yang jaga makan minum. sekarang mana ada dah. sekarang kebanyakkan benda kena sendiri. nasib ayah ada. dapat lah nak mengada kedang-kadang.

what it feels like after 4 months? not what i expected. marriage takes a lot of effort. i am still not used to it and adapting. lama betul nak adapt. haha. nak buat macam mana. tipu lah kalau semua bunga je, ada part yang duri. i am still learning. i just miss being that tough little princess i used to be.

kecewa

kadang-kadang hidup ni memerlukan kesabaran yang amat tinggi. semalam dan hari ni membawa kekecewaan sahaja. susah bila orang refuse to understand and susah bila orang berdendam. penyesalan sering wujud bila benda tidak diingini berlaku. hati sentiasa hancur bila dalam peperangan yang melibatkan perasaan. sedih tidak dapat digambarkan. namun, semalam keajaiban tetap berlaku di kala berada dalam kehancuran. perasaan yang sangat sukar digambarkan. for the first time, heartbeat was detected. syukur pada Allah. apa yang dirasai takkan dilupai sepanjang hidup di dunia. di dalam kehancuran, tetap ada keajaiban. if only you are with me, it would not have turned out this way. 

the husband and the wife

*love*

friday, day 50

friday marks day 50 mum has been in the hospital. she looks better and much more aware. mum can even move her head a bit and her fingers. that's major improvement to me! i just hope she gets stronger. i need her badly. not able to talk to her on things i normally talk to her kinda sucks. its a bit weird when i have to find someone else to be 'mum'. my aunties are my mums. i do consult them. when i can't go to them, i have to find other alternatives. which i don't have. mum. please get better soon. i am not doing very well now. its getting into my head.

(hope)

this is an open confession. please don't judge me. i just need to let it out. i have a problem. a huge one i think. ever heard of self-injury? i first cut myself last friday. i was feeling so stressed up and alone. tonight i did it again. the sad part about it is, i feel much better after. that's not good. i know but, it helps a lot. no any major scar, its just that the feeling when the pain sets in. i know this needs to stop. hopefully there is no third time. i need to be in control of my life. i can't let this get out of hand and the problems into my head. it might lead to something worse. nauzubillah. 'hairunnisa zahirah, breathe dalam-dalam, u can do this'. insyaAllah i can overcome this. i am totally alone in this. mr hashrul backed out of this (major) problem. umm.. i wish you were here.

ujian Allah

Terbaca article:

Mengecilkan hati orang adalah berdosa, berkecil hati juga adalah berdosa. Tetapi lebih besar dosanya jika kita berkecil hati. Kenapa orang kecilkan hati kita, kita pulak yang berdosa?

Ayah: Jika seseorang hina kita, dia berdosa. Jika kita terasa hati dgn penghinaan dia, kita juga berdosa. Tetapi dosa kita lebih besar dari dosa dia.
Anak: Uiikk... Tapi kenapa pulak? Kita tak buat apa-apa pun?
Ayah: Kerana orang yang menghina kita itu adalah peringatan daripada Allah.
Anak: *blur (>,<)'
Ayah: Kenapa kita dihina oleh orang tu? Kerana itu adalah ujian dari Allah. Kenapa Allah hadiahkan kita ujian itu? Kerana DIA nak mengingatkan diri kita yang dah leka dengan dunia. Bila kita berkecil hati dengan orang tersebut, bermakna kita tak redha dengan ujian yang Allah turunkan. Kesimpulannya, kita bukan kecil hati dengan orang, tapi kecil hati dengan Allah.
Anak: Ooooooo... Ook...(n_n)'
Ayah: Lagi parah bila kita pun cerita pada kawan-kawan kita. “Dia dah banyak buat aku macam ni, macam tu…” dan sebagainya. Dan kawan-kawan kita pula akan cerita pada kawan-kawan lain. “Kesian kawan kita tu.. budak tu dah banyak sakitkan hati dia…” jadi keredhaan kita terhadap ujian Allah itu akan lesap.

pengajaran: keredhaan kita terhadap ujian Allah

...

sesungguhnya ujian Allah perlu dilalui dengan keredhaan. dari kecik sampai dah besar panjang ni pun mummy slalu ingat kan that kite kena redha. so, now diri ni perlu belajar untuk redha. perasaan sekarang bercampur-campur. buat masa ni, takat ni, sedang mengharungi ujian terbesar dari Allah. perasaan kehilangan someone yang kita sayang dalam dunia ni sangat perit. terpaksa menjalani kehidupan seharian dari hari ke hari without mummy juga sangat perit. melihat someone yang kita sayang berada dalam keadaan mcm tu, sedih. insyaAllah semua akan bertambah baik, keadaan. hanya Allah yang tahu apa yang terbaik, kita mengharapkan yang terbaik untuk mummy. apa yang mummy nak lebih penting. apa yang telah Allah aturkan untuk mummy Allah je yang tahu. apepun, kena ingat - Allah tak akan menguji hamba-NYA dgn ujian yg tak tertanggung oleh hamba-NYA itu.

miracle

as i take a break from the hospital this afternoon for a while, things just sink in. i can't do anything much but to pray and hope that she'll recover. mummy tak sedar dari semlm pagi. when i got the call from the hospital saying that she can't breathe on her own and they had to put in the tube to help her breathe my heart dropped. the nurse also said that, 'your mum is not doing too good'. my world collapse right in front of me. she is my strength and only she can understand me like no one can. seeing her lying down on the bed like that as i reached the hospital wee early monday morning reminds me so much of arwah Mak. 

saw her Dr this morning. he just can't say much. macam things tergantung. sometimes you just can see it from looking into someone else's eyes. there are many things going on now. some may text me or call to ask me how's she doing or how i am holding on. i can't reply to that. i just don't know how. family banyak tolong dah takat ni. to visit and baca kan Yassin for mummy. i thank God i have help them.

tetibe teringat, mummy banyak pesan dia lately ni - about life. mcm dia tau ni akan jadi but, i don't think i can survive without her. i pray to God, please let a miracle happen. please bring her back. i need her more than anything now.

current mood

peace
(remember this?)

choices in life

... tadi dapat nasihat free dari orang yang dah lame kahwin

there are two ways u want to choose your life now - 

(1) go back to dating again, get to know each other as a person - in & out every details.. then only decide to move up to marriage stage

(2) continue with current plan, get to know each other after marriage

*trust me, in actual fact, both of the choices is PAINFUL

you'll never know whether you really know everything about your partner until one of you is dead.. so..my best advice for you.. choose no (2). you once said you've thought deeply & you confidently said he is the one (dah cakap awal sangat nak kahwin tapi nak kahwin gak kan). so, stick with what you have decided... to resolve the situation now - slow talk with him, discuss with him.

*discuss

remember the word discuss. means you tell him what you want, you also want him to tell you what he want and align both of the requirement because neither of you can get what you want but both of your requirement can meet in the middle.. the best that both of you can tolerate.

*kalau tak boleh pergi therapy
*apa kata let it go.. start with fresh rules from now on.

...

ha.. amek kau. menangis kat office pagi tadi. sebijik kena kut.

... orang lain plak pesan
manusia memang takkan puas. kite kene terima apa yang pasangan kita mampu buat and jangan duduk dalam bayang-bayang lepas lagi.

coping

*breathe*

sekadar renungan

ini just peringatan untuk diri sendiri. jangan lah ade yang terase pulak eh? tadi kat twitter ade terbace hamba Allah tu tulis yang orang pakai tudung ni perangai lagi teruk dari orang yang tak bertudung (print screen kat bawah). nama and muka dia ditutup pasal tak nak lah aibkan orang pulak. dah pemikiran dia cetek, tak kan lah kita nak tunjuk satu dunia siapa dia. ehe!

kepada yang menulis penyataan begitu (mane tau terlintas kat blog ni):

fikir sebelum tulis. ade tak ahli keluarga yang bertudung? ade tak ahli keluarga yang muka suci? so, family kamu yang pakai tudung muke suci tu semua teruk-teruk ke perangainya? ermm.. tak elok cakap macam tu bukan? nak tulis or cakap kena fikir. Allah dah kasik kite akal and otak.

  

memang tak di nafikan, manusia tak dapat lari dari buat dosa. baik yang bertudung dan tak bertudung. kita tak sempurna 100% tapi ruang untuk memperbaiki diri sendiri ada. tak baik kita nak cakap orang macam tu bila diri kita sendiri tak betul. no? i am not perfect as well. kalau nak mengaku, memang banyak dosa. tutup aurat pun belum sempurna lagi but i am learning and trying my best to be a better person. jom kita sama2..? :)

source

tumblr

“Eat the damn chocolate cake, get your hair wet, love someone, dance in those muddy puddles, tell someone off, draw a picture with crayons like you’re still 6 years old and then give it to someone who is very important to you. Take a nap, go on vacation, do a cartwheel, make your own recipe, dance like no one sees you, take a bubble bath, laugh at a corny joke. Get on that table and dance, pick strawberries, take a jog, plant a garden, make an ugly shirt and wear it all day, learn a new language, write a song, date someone you wouldn’t usually go for, make a scrap book, go on a picnic, relax in the sun, make your own home video, kiss the un-kissed, hug the un-hugged, love the unloved, and live your life to the fullest. So at the end of the day, you’ll have no regrets, no sorrows, no disappointments.” - http://wordsandlyrics.tumblr.com/

terdetik

bile bace blog sendiri baru perasan yang dah lame sangat tak tulis post yang happy. huhu. malam ni tak gak kut. maybe next week ke. weekend ni ke. before tulis post ni tadi, tengok gambar-gambar. tetibe air mate meleleh je. macam rindu sangat lah pulak. haish! kenape ni. dah angau ape *tarik nafas*. terase sunyi pun ade. em.. pastu tgk yusry and lisa punya gambar nikah pulak, lagi lah. alhamdulillah mereka telah selamat bernikah. eh. bukan jeles tau tapi cantiknye diorg punya majlis. semua pun cantik. dari setting mereka, baju, bunga dan semua lah. lisa dapat gelang platinum okay! yusry mampu. kite belanje kan ikut kemampuan. hehe.

saje nak tunjuk perbezaan lampu kuning and putih.. ehe!

i am smiling sikit (compared to the photos baru2 ni kan)

extra info:

oh.. despite everything that happened on Friday, sygku, afiqah got a new job! yeay! alhamdulillah. berkat usaha dan kesabaran. she was offered on the spot tu. i am so proud of her. a new beginning to us.. - love you dear! congratulations! *happy*

my friday

all seem to go well today but, when the clock struck 5 everything didn't go well.  maybe it was because of the rain? (blaming the rain for no apparent reason). well, first of all, left the office at 6.15-ish pm. reached home 7.30-ish pm. along the way, jam bagai nak rak. in subang itself - billboard jatuh atas kereta, kereta BMW hancur accident, pokok tumbang here and there and cermin kereta park dekat pokok pecah kena kayu. oh my.. what happened in subang jaya while i was stuck in the office? taufan?

when i saw all that, i terfikir dua kali. if i were to leave the office early, will i be caught in any of the kejadian? maybe kan. so, the point is - things happen for a reason. i have been thinking about it for 2, 3 hari ni. yesterday pun barely terlepas dari accident. kalau tak depan belakang kereta kemek. the day before, was 5 minutes early when the stretch pergi kerja tu accident almost 9 cars (biase pg mmg bawak lane laju.. huhu). so, when semua ni jadi, all that i can think of is alhamdulillah. 

one more thing, this is out of context but i still want to put it down here. erm.. to be honest, deep down, i am still afraid of losing you.

p.s: no pictures today, sibuk tgk kejadian!

peace (boo!)

underneath the cool, calm surface there's a rough story behind it. i am sooooooooooooo stressed out (count the o(s) and multiply it by 300). i am used to show people i am all fine (until i reach my breaking point). so, that's the way it shall be (the only place i can really pour my heart's content is here, so don't judge me). there's no reason for me to change now. i just have to live with it until the end or until a better situation/opportunity comes along (tetibe teringat cerita rumput). might regret it someday but, life has to go on. i can't do much about it already.

love this song, find the lyrics and sing along

♥