a walk to remember

i asked God if he could delete all the memories that i have. i don't care if the things that happened made me who i am. nobody cares how much i've changed. the past is still there. so, i prayed to God that when i wake up in the morning, i don't remember a thing. i might remember something like work but, not people. i am always being judge by the people i love most. it will always be there, my past. of course its there, its a part of me, a part of who i am. i don't want that anymore and i just don't want to remember every single memory that i have. i can't do this anymore. i am just so tired. its draining me out. maybe it will be easier if i don't remember all the people i've met and know. it will be much easier than feeling useless most of the time.

about the title of the post, its a title of a movie i love most. watched it for like the 10th time last night and still cried my heart out. what they had was more than love. the guy was willing to do anything for her and be there for her the whole time even when she pushed him away. i had that once. 

"Love is always patient and kind. It is never jealous. Love is never boastful or conceited. It is never rude or selfish. It does not take offense and is not resentful."

i can only love you

__

terdetik

bile bace blog sendiri baru perasan yang dah lame sangat tak tulis post yang happy. huhu. malam ni tak gak kut. maybe next week ke. weekend ni ke. before tulis post ni tadi, tengok gambar-gambar. tetibe air mate meleleh je. macam rindu sangat lah pulak. haish! kenape ni. dah angau ape *tarik nafas*. terase sunyi pun ade. em.. pastu tgk yusry and lisa punya gambar nikah pulak, lagi lah. alhamdulillah mereka telah selamat bernikah. eh. bukan jeles tau tapi cantiknye diorg punya majlis. semua pun cantik. dari setting mereka, baju, bunga dan semua lah. lisa dapat gelang platinum okay! yusry mampu. kite belanje kan ikut kemampuan. hehe.

saje nak tunjuk perbezaan lampu kuning and putih.. ehe!

i am smiling sikit (compared to the photos baru2 ni kan)

extra info:

oh.. despite everything that happened on Friday, sygku, afiqah got a new job! yeay! alhamdulillah. berkat usaha dan kesabaran. she was offered on the spot tu. i am so proud of her. a new beginning to us.. - love you dear! congratulations! *happy*

perasan mode ii

eh.. people miss me even more lah. hahaha!

___

[update] 25/2/12, 12:29pm

gedik kut ni but, who cares! it's my blog..  :)

decided to add taylor swift in the print screen because she is awesome, beautiful and she has a kind heart. a boy (with leukimia) asked her to be his prom date but she can't make it. so, she invited him to go to ACM with her instead. awwww.... :')

___

[update] 25/2/12, 15:37pm

okay, promise this is the last update! peace.. ehe..

my friday

all seem to go well today but, when the clock struck 5 everything didn't go well.  maybe it was because of the rain? (blaming the rain for no apparent reason). well, first of all, left the office at 6.15-ish pm. reached home 7.30-ish pm. along the way, jam bagai nak rak. in subang itself - billboard jatuh atas kereta, kereta BMW hancur accident, pokok tumbang here and there and cermin kereta park dekat pokok pecah kena kayu. oh my.. what happened in subang jaya while i was stuck in the office? taufan?

when i saw all that, i terfikir dua kali. if i were to leave the office early, will i be caught in any of the kejadian? maybe kan. so, the point is - things happen for a reason. i have been thinking about it for 2, 3 hari ni. yesterday pun barely terlepas dari accident. kalau tak depan belakang kereta kemek. the day before, was 5 minutes early when the stretch pergi kerja tu accident almost 9 cars (biase pg mmg bawak lane laju.. huhu). so, when semua ni jadi, all that i can think of is alhamdulillah. 

one more thing, this is out of context but i still want to put it down here. erm.. to be honest, deep down, i am still afraid of losing you.

p.s: no pictures today, sibuk tgk kejadian!

peace (boo!)

underneath the cool, calm surface there's a rough story behind it. i am sooooooooooooo stressed out (count the o(s) and multiply it by 300). i am used to show people i am all fine (until i reach my breaking point). so, that's the way it shall be (the only place i can really pour my heart's content is here, so don't judge me). there's no reason for me to change now. i just have to live with it until the end or until a better situation/opportunity comes along (tetibe teringat cerita rumput). might regret it someday but, life has to go on. i can't do much about it already.

love this song, find the lyrics and sing along

♥

panda

i removed everything unnecessary from my life. there's no need of anything unimportant anymore. so, if you are still in my life, you are worth my time, effort and care. in a simple way, you are worth fighting for. so, don't screw things up.

oh.. i decided that i want to be a panda. soft, cuddly, cute and senang hati. come join me and form a panda family. ehe! i bet we'll be happy for life. insyaAllah.

last 3 days

after a rough week, my family treated me (perasan and bangge sket) with food! hee. somehow, food is the best medicine. so, last weekend, had seafood on saturday and chinese food on sunday. yumm! i really ate this time around. oh.. monday, the boss ajak pegi makan sushi pulak and she even took a picture of me with the food.. aww.. ;) 

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

note: 

yeah, i look pale (or bak kate boss, muke orang tak cukup darah and oxygen) and i have been getting questions on why i look pale from orang-orang office (a.k.a the people who see me almost everyday). some say i am getting thinner. i don't think so. huu.. erm.. the pale, thin issue is a fashion trend (twilight's fashion) maybe? ehe.. nah, i know exactly what i need. i need lots of sunshine, rainbows, unicorns and maybe some candies or maybe i just need you.. *sigh*

p.s: pictures are from various sources, not my camera (camera habis battery)

p.s.s: tetibe RINDU nak makan MCD

the vow

• Paige: I vow to help you love life, to always hold you with tenderness, and to have the patience that love demands. To speak when words are needed, and to share the silence when they're not. To agree to disagree on red velvet cake, and to live within the warmth of your heart and always call it home.
• Leo: I vow to fiercely love you in all your forms, now and forever. I promise to never forget that this is a once in a lifetime love. I vow to love you, and no matter what challenges might carry us apart, we will always find a way back to each other.

yesterday

semlm rase mcm nak pengsan/sakit because tersedar somehow i miss that someone
and nak jumpe that particular someone sgt3 (ngade2! tau, tak yah ckp)

the glasses look big on me now

am i shrinking? ;)

kukuchak!

cuckoo sudah

haha.. stress!! 

(just taken photo)

breathe

perbincangan telah dijalankan, keputusan pun diputuskan. selamat sampai di rumah ni. ya Allah, penatnye lah. i shall get the rest i need physically and emotionally. bukan senang nak go on with all the other things that is going on lagi in my life but what to do. dah ini kehidupan. perlu lah diteruskan dan dijalankan dengan baik.

(saye kuat!) - semangat kepada diri sendiri; hadapi semua cabaran dgn penuh kesabaran dan ketaqwaan. uwaaaa.... :'(

fix me

please?

valentine's day

well, valentine's day ends here. spent my valentine's day without any loved ones this year. nobody wished me as well. not that i celebrate or worship it but a simple gesture would be nice and comforting. i wanted to have dinner but some people just don't have time for me. that's fine. i'm used to it i guess. so, i spend it in a state down south of Peninsular, went for some shopping therapy and had a major-cry-my-heart-out day. i shall not put any photos of myself today. i look like a panda. maybe even worse. the good part of all this is i am still alive. yeay i guess?

perfection

i am not perfect. i cannot be perfect. i hate it when people assume i am the good kid or something. i am not saying i am bad (obviously i am not) but i have my wants and my needs too. sometimes bende2 ni just eat me up from the inside. sometimes i want what i want when i want it. i want to feel special too. sometimes. erm.. i am feeling at my worse. i even thought of jumping out of the car. then, i remembered that how someone love and care for me so much and i am sure he will be shocked if i did it and hate me for doing it. he might even give me a big fat slap regardless i will be on the hospital bed. i know he will do that with tears in his eyes. how can you hate someone you love. if all this happens, i know in my heart, at least he'll be there for me and i will feel special. but, perlu ke sampai tahap menderita untuk rase penting to someone?

anyhow, what i did was, i ended up crying in the car alone in the rain in the middle of the stupid highway (nasib tak kene rompak pulak kan). the rain just make it so right and it was heartbreaking. i had my meltdown. alone. yup, it was tough. i can't say much but i am tired. maybe the crappy mood is from how crappy my week was, i am just too tired or maybe having the PMS syndrome. i don't know.
(drama betul kan? maybe pasal dah lame simpan kut)

oh.. deactivated my facebook. i am going out of town for a bit. monday to thursday. hope to get my head all cleared up or maybe find another job NO where near here. i need a break from everything close around me i guess.. *mengeluh* (tau tak elok but nak buat cmne). maybe i will just do what i do best - run, avoid and disappear.

how i look a couple of days back

... and it continues

GIVING UP?
my heart and mind can only take as much as what it can take

this week

this week was kinda crappy and such. we fought. yeah, it was about my past. my freaking past that couldn't care less about me now. i can't really change what i feel. its there in my heart and guts. things have not always been good but it made me become me. some how, my past is haunting me (when i choose to forget everything).

the thing about me now is i tend to keep everything inside. if i am mad, i take a deep breath and just let it go. i don't really fight for what i want anymore (i do but, rarely). i take things at a whole different aspect now. i don't do dramas. i am much more reserved. i avoid fights (melainkan tak tahan). i accept things easily. i am much more negotiable? entah.

sekarang ni, i am so much in control of what i do and what i say (kadang2 je terlepas). terlalu in-control. sometimes i do love the way i am now, sometimes i kurang suke. as a saying goes, 'there is always a different story behind every girl's smile'. well, there's a whole different story behind mine. what's my story? its only for me to know.

note to self: smile macam mane tough the situation :) (erk! senget. dah lame tak tangkap gambar sendiri)

lurking inside me

okay, tak baik fikir buruk. tak baik nak fikir ape yang dah jadi or patut jadi. i should have seen this coming. last night was crap. had trouble dealing with myself. the thought to be who i used to be way way way back was suddenly inside me. sometimes, people don't see that i've come a long way to be who i am now. people don't know what i went through to be who i am today. i went through 'hell' and there are certain people who went through it with me. we have been through a lot. i don't think anybody would want to go through what we went through. it was hard on me and them. 

so, now the cat is out of the bag. i was being bluntly open. guess what? i might just lose everything i have. i have to prepare for it? no? i don't know. but, things are not good as it seem. i should have just left when i have the chance to.

be mine

was browsing through facebook and saw this song posted on the wall. never heard of her before so, i got curious and clicked. i love the song immediately. plus, we kinda look alike kut (perasan).. do enjoy the song ya.. :)

check them out: http://www.clorastudio.blogspot.com/

from delicious to tgif

Delicious, Bangsar Village II

(21st January)

had brunch with my parents and uncle halim's family. it was supposed to be brunch but we were late so, it became lunch and we became orang kebulur. normally i can only eat half of the dish but this time, i almost can finish the whole plate. almost. not all pictures of food was taken and i completely forgot about the drinks and such. blame the starvation and the ever delicious food! ;)

 mushroom thingy

(sedap!)

 i think this was laksa

 Hainanese chicken chop

it was a larger portion, kitorang share2 makan

 carbonara

TGIF, Subang Parade

(31st January)

i was left alone one fine day. mum went to Muar and dad went somewhere else. had dinner with syima and her daughter ayra (oh.. this is one lucky kid). anyway, we stuffed ourselves and we simply had no room for dessert at all. will make it a point next time to spare our tummies for dessert. i am craving for yummy desserts! 

 mozarella

 strawberry + lemon

 something cream sauce

 hungry evil stare

 nachos

 chicken something

(sorry, i am bad with names) -

tu sebab no full names, next time will write down

happy kid showing bambam to mum

p.s: aip! abu, jangan gelak. now we know kenape al-kesah terjadi kan? haha.

giving up

nope, i won't give up on us

God knows we are worth it

al-kesah

i have a dream, a song to sing, to help me cope with anything. eheheh.. kesahnye, dari dulu dah ade azam untuk kurus. now tak gemok pun, cume nak kurus lagi. tak boleh kurus sgt tapi kurus lah. kire kurus hot. um. tetibe hari ni ternampak sesuatu yang buat terfikirkan azam tu balik. tengah belek2 almari, nampak shorts ni. down habis lah. gile2 down. dah lah baru lepas makan nasi goreng semangkuk. grr. terase macam doralin pulak tetibe! erm.. dah setahun setengah lebih kut this shorts is in my posession and yet still tak muat lagi. huhu. itu lah akibat nye org beli seluar tak ikut size. igt kurus kut. maybe dalam bayangan kurus *berangan* haih! 

baru lah macam berangan nak pakai pegi sun bathing tepi andaman sea. mesti lawa! put yourself in my shoes and imagine the thought of white sandy beaches, the sun, the wind, the wave, the people, the food and the joy of being there. the moment to forget everything and just relax. i close my eyes (mase membeli item below) and realize that dreams do come true. haha. will be waiting for another dream to come true while i enjoy the thought of my first dream.