last post of 2011

i end 2011 with a lot of memories and lesson learned. it took me a lot of strength to get through 2011. it was a tough year i must say. glad i made it through with plans of a better future for 2012. insyaAllah and Alhamdulillah.

sick (again)

december seems to be my sick month every year kut. last year was the high fever thingy. this year, the never ending fever. been feeling sick for a while. thought everything was getting better but no. tough day today. vomited after lunch and having a major headache. can't sleep it off hence, the post. maybe i'm sick of working my ass off in the office or maybe its the stress of certain things or maybe its just the weather atau pun maybe ini cara Allah nak ingatkan. 

inside

just because i don't show it on the outside doesn't mean i am not hurting in the inside

cinta

Cinta adalah akad dan perjanjian.

Cinta adalah airnya kehidupan bahkan ia adalah rahasia kehidupan,
cinta adalah kelezatan ruh bahkan ia adalah ruh kehidupan.

Dengan cinta menjadi terang semua kegelapan,
akan cerah kehidupan,
akan menari hati,
dan akan bersih qalbu.

Dengan cinta semua kesalahan akan dimaafkan,
dengan cinta semua kelalaian akan diampunkan,
dengan cinta akan dibesarkan makna kebaikan.

Kalaulah bukan dengan cinta,
maka tidak akan saling meliuk satu dahan dengan dahan yang lainnya.
Kalaulah bukan karena cinta tidak akan merunduk rusa betina kepada pejantannya.
tidak akan menangis tanah yang kering terhadap awan yang hitam,
dan bumi tidak akan tertawa terhadap bunga pada musim semi.

(Ustadz Armen Halim Naro rahimahullah dalam kitab buhul cinta)

pitterpatter

today is friday. no, i am going to sing rebecca black's song. i am just glad. long weekend for me. the  company gave us the day off so, it means i have 4 off days. yeah! i love where i work..! anyway, tomorrow will be meeting the girls - B, E and P. haven't seen them for quite some time. last met B when she got married last year. that was a long time ago. it has been a year since. how time flies. she is in her 33 weeks (i think) now. so, better see her before the baby pops out. can't wait to see her little one. she'll be a mama bird then! hehe. last met E was somewhere last year as well. after she gave birth. she was in her confinement. i went there with the tiger face, with hope that her baby will love cats when she grows up. E is so scared of cats. i don't understand why but hey, i have 6 little creatures at home. last but no least P. met hear last Ramadhan. we planned to meet a couple of times after that but didn't really happen. got caught up in work. so, thinking of meeting them in 11 hours makes my heart go pitterpatter. its been a while. 

recap of 2011

2011 has thought me a whole bunch of stuff. good and bad. this year is definitely a drama year for  me. reflecting on the whole year, the main lesson learned:

patience - patience is a virtue. islamic point of view - sabar itu separuh dari iman. banyak kn separuh dari iman. anyone who has known me for quite some time would know i have no patience at all. i get angry in a split second (i still do sometimes) but i can say maybe 5 or 6 times this year. that is a huge accomplishment for myself. Allah telah mengajar erti kesabaran. memang betul, banyak sangat dugaan tahun ni. dari segi kerja, family, kawan and life itself. banyak yang telah diuji. when i think about it again, i am thankful. its a huge lesson for me. from patience i learn to compromise. i learn to listen, think and judge. i also learn that a moment of patience at the time of anger saves one from years of regret & sorrow. being patience takes you a long way. you gain a lot and you see the positive side of things. you learn to control your feelings and trust me, you won't regret it at all.

meanwhile, what i am still learning:

trust - i used to believe in people. i used to believe in them without any second guessing or the feeling that i've been lied to. but things change. big time. there is a saying that trust is like an eraser, it gets smaller and smaller after every mistake. i believed in that. at one point in 2011, i got hit by a really painful event in life. its either make it or break it. then i read a story on 'why do you believe in Allah?' and it got me thinking. its the same concept with trust. you can't see trust but you can believe in it. you believe in Allah and Allah knows best. so, why worry. talk to Allah more. Dia pendengar setia and Dia tau ape yang terbaik. i lean on no one at one point accept Allah. however, i have to admit that i am still learning. trust is still an issue for me. just a little note for us - Firman Allah swt yang bermaksud,
"Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Jauhilah kebanyakan dari sangkaan kerana sesungguhnya sebahagian dari sangkaan itu adaah dosa; dan jangalah kamu mengintip atau mencari-cari kesalahan dan keaiban orang; dan janganlah setengah kamu mengumpat setengahnya yang lain. Adakah seseorang dari kamu suka memakan daging saudaranya yang telah mati? (Jika demikian keadaan mengumpat) maka sudah tentu kamu jijik kepadanya. Dan bertaqwalah kamu kepada Allah; sesusngguhnya Allah Penerima taubat, lagi Maha mengasihani." - Al-Hujuraat Ayat 12

so, i sum up my lesson learned for the year 2011 with Alhamdullilah and huge thank you to Allah.

four letter words

to me, there are two four letter words that means a lot and can change a lot of things - love and hate. it can change someone's life. use them wisely. there's a fine line between those two words.

love his voice
crawling back to you:

shattered

 

scared

i have this feeling inside me that i can put my finger on. what is it? it has been bothering me for this past one week. it is really annoying. maybe its because i have not been well and need the attention or is it because of something else in the first place. maybe i am too worried or maybe i am scared? its a big question mark. i need an answer. quick. i need to get well again. body temperature increased again tonight and my back hurts. ouh.. my back have been hurting for quite some time. every time i lay down on a flat surface, it will make funny *krak* noises. should i be worried? as for now, i need a good night sleep. so good night.

a really good song for tonight:

rough

since its 12.28 am: the day before yesterday and yesterday was a rough day for me. down with fever since last week. on Sunday night, temperature was 38.5. not good. luckily, took my meds (voluntarily). that is a rare occasion but yeah, i took my meds. can't really afford to fall sick now. when the body is not in a proper condition, so does the mood swings. i am really sorry baby. you are my punching bag for the last 2 days. really am sorry. i still have so many things to do yet i have so little time. *faints*

sing along! - fever, fever go away. come again another day. little Z has lots to do. fever come later will do.

oh happy day

17th Dec: had a great day today! quality time spent with my dearest beloved darling boyfriend. sorry for exaggerating much but that is how i am feeling. yeah! i am truly happy. alhamdulillah. love you baby.. ♥ ♥ ♥

fairytale

i think everybody grows up listening to or watched fairytales, whether its Disney's or some other stories. the most listened to or watched fairytales are the ones with the princesses in it. we dream that one day our prince will come and sweep us away and we live happily ever after. but, life is no where near a fairytale. life is our own story. everybody has their story.

my story:

it all started last year, in February 2010. it started with a simple hello from a stranger. not so stranger but somehow a stranger. figure that out. haha. actually, my room mate had a crush on him way back in 2005. time flies. anyway, it was a simple hello. it took me some time to reply back as i had to do a lot of thinking on certain reasons that i shall not mention here. so, i said 'hi' back. from then on, we talked a lot about things. well, texting to be exact. we became friends without really crossing our limits. he was attached and so was i. we don't talk much about each other relationships. it was our thing. then, things happen somewhere in between.

one fine day, he came and fetched me with his white horse (si putih). we went on our first date/outing session. not really sure what to call it. to be honest, i can't really recall much what we talked about on that day. i was blanked out. ouh.. but i remember he told me, i rephrase - 'i know someone that is only an option instead of the future to someone'. yeah, a few weeks later he admitted it was him. so, i gave him a simple promise - 'you'll never be an option ever again' (not too sure whether he remember this promise i made) but i made that promise.

i made him promise something too in the early stages, around 3 months after the first hello. i made him promise not too fall in love with me. i told him clearly that you wouldn't want to fall in love with me as i am a bit hard to deal with. but, he didn't listen to me. that is one promise i am glad he broke. i couldn't be happier. the first time when he told me he was (and still is) in love with me, my heart stopped and i cried. typical princess. haha. i am so not telling how here. hee.

in life, there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. there are times i was really heartbroken and felt like giving up. i wanted to disappear. the betrayal was too much at one point. i had someone telling me, if you believe its him and if you really love him, fight for your relationship. so, i stood by him at my lowest point. i was broken and shattered but i stood by him.

Alhamdulillah it all turns out for the best.

fuh

this month is really hectic for me as the dateline is tight. the dateline is on the 7th of January. lots of things have yet to be prepared and get done. i can say that 45% of them are settled. lots of walking around to do! boleh kurus macam ni. yeay! i have yet to start on any form of diet or do any kind of exercise. the plan is to eat what i want until the 15th and have a strict diet from then on. fasting is one of the options. not niat diet but ganti puasa. niat kena betul. insyaAllah. 

Alhamdulillah things are according to plan. i think. most of the major part all done. sekarang left with all the little things. bak kate orang melayu, 'bende2 leceh'. hehe. 

a new start

life was up and down since i last wrote. it has been a month. a lot of thinking was involved. the thought of ending certain stuff and moving on. the thought of starting off fresh. the thought of disappearing from everybody. Alhamdulillah things turns out well. i thank Allah for that. i thank certain people in my life for being there with me when i was down, broken and hurt. Alhamdulillah sgt3. 

it goes on

life is just a cycle. you meet strangers and they end up being strangers again in the end. but, not all of them end up that way. some people are just worth keeping and you would fight for them to be in your life. these people are the ones you call friends. i will fight for the people that i care about. period.

PMS

well, it is that time of the month again. the week before it. it sucks big time. i hate the mood swings and the sores. i wonder how people go through 9 month of pregnancy. what i am going through is just a small part of life. i miss having my friends around me when i am going through this. having a boyfriend is a different story. he just can't relate. especially when he's the technical type of guy. friends still do comes first during PMS. i am not too sure about having a husband since i am not married yet. anyway, this time around i miss them a lot! i miss having them to cheer me up, take me places that they know i like, make me eat things i love even though i don't feel like eating (and i end up eating most of it) and just be there for me. i miss u P and B. you guys went through a lot with me. 

it may be the hormones talking tonight (emotional people always speak from their heart, i think). i love both of you. remember the times when each of us had a lot on our plate to handle? we just needed each other and things will be fine. remember when you guys took turns to have dinner with me to make sure i was not alone after that silly thing i almost did? both of you didn't even judge me and you guys were there for me the entire time. i can never find anyone that could replace both of you. not even H.

however, H is the person i love most. i wished i had met him earlier. he's the best thing that could ever happen in my life after you guys. although he's not my typical prince charming, he brings out the best in me every single time. i wish you guys could get to know him better. he's amazing.

P, you made me really happy when you told me that you actually like H and you can see that i am really happy. i was mad at you at one point because u said something about my relationship with H. when i think back about it, i realize that you just don't know him yet. so, i made it a point for you to meet him. thank you for giving me the opportunity in doing so. i know you are going through a lot right now yourself. but, as your sister (from a different parents), you can always count on me!

B, i am really happy that you will soon be a mum. i always get a little teary every time i think about it. you will be the perfect mum. i understand that you are not able to meet us like how it used to be. But, still having your support through everything that has been going on in my life means a lot. thank you. if you ever need anything, let us know. we will try our level best to be there. oh.. if you might need help to look after the baby i might suggest uncle H.

E, you are not forgotten silly girl. i love you as well. although we grew apart, i still cherish every moment we shared and nothing really changed actually. by the way, you have to meet H. 

i am really happy how my life turns out to be. i am thankful to Allah. i have you guys, i have my family and i have H - my future (insyaAllah).

i know this is turning out to be me pouring out my heart (not the normal me) but, who cares. PMS is a strange thing.

relationship

A relationship is a promise to be more than just loyal and faithful, but also to be there through thick and thin. Don't make promises you cannot keep. A relationship should never be selfish, but understanding. It should not be about saying one thing and do the other. It is about respect, trust and honesty. Every relationship should be treated like marriage. Marriage is a relationship with a higher title, it should always be the same as a simple healthy relationship.

transparency

transparency has always been a key factor in my life. i always have that in any of my relationship. sharing everything is important. i never did share everything with anybody at all. however, this time around is the clearest i could ever be. i tried hard to share and really open up. but, things don't go two ways. well, the best i could do is to just be me and do what i am comfortable with. he may not see it the way that i do but i shall try my level best to just be okay with it.

i am really happy with what i have now. i am thankful with what i have now. no buts and no excuses. i just have to accept and live with it. loving someone is loving both the good side and the not so good side. i shall not expect him to do the same thing i did for him. its about giving and loving.

...

anger management

i tried my level best to be the best for you but you blew up on such a small simple thing. i just don't understand why are you so mad. we had a good thing. but you shouted at me just to have dinner with you. when i was being selfless, you made me felt guilty. but when i follow what you wanted you accused me of being difficult.

Saigon

Ho Chi Minh City is the current name and Saigon was its former name. the first thing that insantly caught my attention when we first got into the cab was the way they drive. it was crazy! the line on the roads, the traffic lights, the motocycles and the public was all over. there is no such thing as rules on the road. it was 'siapa ada break berhenti lah'. *erkkk!!* my mum was sitting at the front seat so she got the best view. haha! her reaction was priceless.

the ever trusted friend to get cheap flights last minute

 

the airport

 

the houses

all of which are thin and tall

(org yang xtra siza mau susah bergerak dalam rumah org sane)

the sneakers

branded and cheap

(lots and lots of choices to be made)

 

 the view 1

'i don't know the name' port

(something to remind me of H while i'm there)

i was missing him even more when i saw this

the view 2

the city

(hot and sunny)

clear blue sky

the view 3

their Independance Day

so, i celebrated independance day twice this year
the red lights are all motocycle lights
this is near Behn Than market (the blue light)

Behn Than market = SHOPPING

the view 4

the time was around 6.00 pm
peace and quiet

the sudden trip during the Raya holidays brought me somewhere i never planned to go. it was a trip packed with shopping trips. never really got to see the entire city. would love to do that but did not get the chance. next time maybe. yup, i am going back to Ho Chi Minh City someday not to shop but to learn the culture and the city itself. hee! come and fly with me.

honesty

okay, Saigon can wait. 

seriously. i thought i know everything about him. apparently, i don't. maybe truth takes time. i haven't been completely honest as well. so, i can't blame H. truth does takes a lot of courage. i think we have had enough of all this. we should just leave the past behind us. not we but i should just leave it. why must i know everything. that's the past right? he is here with me, now, for a reason. he loves me. he told the truth because he knows that is the right thing to do. i should be okay with it. i am okay with it.

hello Saigon

..

with love from Ho Chi Minh city

dinner

had a wonderful time tonight. good food, great company. special thanks to H, P, J and A. love u guys to bits. you guys just made my day a better day.

pinky promise

1. trust

trust is always an issue in any of my relationships (past and present). i have trouble trusting someone. no matter how good a person is, trust is not in my vocab. i have this nasty habit to have to know everything. which is effecting my relationships. so, i finally came to a point that i have to trust the people i love to make any kind of relationship work. things are getting better now. i am doing better at work and having a better time with him, H. it is actually really simple. the concept of trust. it is like, u believe in God but you can't see Him. trust is the same thing. you can't see it but you can feel it in your heart. it is not a simple and easy thing to do. but, i'm trying and and things are better. it is the foundation of a good relationship. at least, to me.

2. honesty

some say that 100% honesty is the best thing for a perfect relationship. i believe in 100% honesty. however, i learned from experience. there is no such thing as 100% honesty. sometimes, it is best that certain things are better left unknown. this is as long as it does not involve cheating or something really really bad. i can live with H telling me that his ex called to say hi or maybe sent H a text message. but, cheating is not an option. we do things that we know will protect the feelings of our loved ones. thus, honesty is good but to some extend. the tricky part is, it must not involve any lies.

3. respect

respect is equally important as trust and honesty. by respecting someone, you learn to trust someone and when you trust someone, you will be honest to them. basically, everything starts with respecting each other as human beings. respect the feelings you have towards each other. respect is something that have to be earned. it is not something you earn overnight. it is an ongoing process in life. someone may respect you today but maybe not tomorrow. respect does make people love each other more. it is about compromising, listening and being there. respect is also about not doing what the person you love hate. it is a mutual understanding. 

..

H, i love you.

200811

(pinky promise) trust, honesty, respect

starting fresh

This is the 3rd attempt. This time around, will make it private and not private. Private means no names or faces. Not private means this is my space to trash out what I feel. I need this as I struggle to be the perfect kid everyone loves.