sunyi Sunday

weekend ni duduk rumah je tak buat apa. masak pun tak berapa nak masak. semalam punya leftovers ada lagi so, malam ni buat apa yang mampu je lah dari leftovers tu. 

sebenarnya tak suka sangat bila sunyi macam ni. the brain tends to think too much. i prefer having things to do, keep myself busy walaupun kadang-kadang tu stress juga pasal penat. today i miss mum. i always miss her but some days more. i miss having someone to talk to. yes, i have my family etc. but mum is just different. i might kena ketuk dengan dia bila mengadu pelik-pelik tapi that is what i need some times. nobody knows us best like our mum. i had her, only her. mana ada adik-beradik ke nak sisters day out ke, siblings day out ke bagai. i always rely on her.

Allah tak bagi kita dugaan yang kita tak boleh tanggung. to return to Him. He is all i have now. asyik-asyik nangis. tak elok bila asyik terkenang je but i imagined how life would be if mum is still around. things would be different, both good and bad. 

for now, lets be the mum that my children will always remember. they can look back and see once i am gone how much i loved them, put them above everything and was there every time they needed me. be the mother that my mother was.

al-Fatihah to mummy, Faiziah Ishak

p.s: damn you, hormones!

peristiwa

ternampak peristiwa yang tak best hari ni. ada family ni tengah makan - husband, wife and anak. tak pasti apa arguement yang terjadi. husband dia marah. husband dia bangun and panggil wife dia 'f****r' lepas tu macam nak walk away tapi patah balik and cakap 'u ni memang celaka, celaka, celaka'. tah berapa kali ulang tah sambil tuding jari kat muka wife dia. anak diorang tengah-tengah. kira husband dia tuding jari kat muka wife dia depan muka anak dia. terkejut. anak dia tengok wife dia nangis, nangis lah gak. anak mana boleh tengok mak nangis, sensitive kan. huhu. wife dia pregnant pulak tu. Allah. 

lepas tu, husband dia pun walk away. wife ni mengalir je air mata, sambil suap anak makan, sambil anak lap air mata mak dia. macam drama pun ada dah. sayup-sayup macam dengar anak tu cakap 'abah marah mama, huh' then anak dia cakap 'mama, no cry, shhh' gitu. innocent nya jiwa seorang budak. sedih situasi tu. semoga wanita itu tabah in her life. i am not sure i would be strong enough if i was her. ada nangis 3 hari, 3 malam tak berhenti. tak pun, tiba-tiba hati jadi keras and terus tak rasa apa-apa. entah. 

personally, i think parents should never swear in front of their kids. EVER. ini lagi lah, calling the mother of your child macam tu depan your child. it shows what kind of a person you are. yes, you may be angry or furious at that point of time, try to istighfar or just walk away if you know you are about to swear, lawan lah nafsu tu sikit. i lose my temper too sometimes, everybody does. there is a limit to everything. respect your child. you may not respect your wife or maybe you are having issues with her or maybe you are in the midst of separating/divorcing, who knows, but show your child what kind of man he should be or show what kind of man she should find when he/she grows up. just my point of view.

bye 1st trimester

Alhamdulillah. there are many challenges throughout but we made it through. its totally different from the first one. complete opposite. i always thought the first was the hardest but now i change my mind. the more kids you have, the more tired you'll be during pregnancy. haha. you can't think of your own self, you have a kid to look after (the whole day!).

week 5

happy week, pasal biasanya kan morning sickness mula this week. i felt nothing. yes, nothing! good start. even though tiba-tiba muka naik pimples, its okay as long as i can eat. asyik lapar je memanjang. risau juga at first kenapa tak ada morning sickness tapi some people kadang-kadang terlepas kut.

week 6

no morning sickness tapi sickness lain pula. tak boleh bau orang masak, including myself. bau tumis-tumis ni buat rasa loya and then terus hilang selera nak makan. no cooking for me starting from this week. husby balik kerja and masak. thank you!

week 7

Zahraa sakit gigi. memang tak tidur lah malam. she was having high fever (38 - 40ºC) Monday to Thursday. so tiring, maka minggu ni macam sloth sikit. gigi baru tumbuh, not sure what it is called but gigi yang besar sikit tu, belah belakang. tumbuh 2, both on bottom gum. ingat tumbuh 4 sekali as gum atas pun merah tp 2 je yang naik. pengsan lah nak tunggu yang atas pula. soft diet for her the whole week. 

week 8

lepas anak tumbuh gigi, turn mak dia pula. dah tua ni pun tumbuh gigi. the very last one. sakit! bermula lah drama kat rumah ni. i can't sleep. so, i was cranky and sikit-sikit nangis. tahan lah juga.  one night i chocked on my own saliva. pergi Dr dapat antibiotics, panadol and ubat tido (to help me sleep). he can only give panadol as my painkiller. itu je yang mampu bagi.

week 9

bad news this week. uncle Halim fell in his office in Penang, kena stroke and had to go through some procedure to remove the blood clot in his brain. he was really weak. reminds me of mum when she was in hospital. my heart just sank when i heard the news. i would go straight away if i can. unfortunately, i myself was admitted due to gum infection, lepas nak dua papan panadol habis. huu. sad week. kena tabah.

week 10

went to visit uncle Halim in Penang. he was recovering well. aunty said he was so much better than last week. Alhamdulillah. i still cried a little when i saw him. he was just okay few weeks back. kita tak tahu kan what tomorrow brings. since dah sampai Penang, makan je lah kerjanya. dapat makan roti canai transfer road, naan and tandoori, pasembor, fried oyster, nasi kandar and cendol. tu je sempat, huhu. teringin gak nak makan kuehteow tapi kenyang sangat, mujur dekat uptown sini ada yang sedap.

week 11

balik Kelantan and continue makan, makan and makan. dapat makan nasi kerabu, nasi kukus, nasi serati and apam balik. lepas tu, beli serunding. serunding ni memang makanan wajib ada. entah, boleh kata ketagih kut. makan dengan roti biasanya. dulu makan dengan meggi. so, since dah kena puasa meggi, roti lah. kadang-kadang pula nasi, serunding and telur kicap. sedap! okay, lapar dah. hm!

week 12

most waited week. orang kata ni lah minggu selamat. in sya Allah. so far so good. this week, even though most waited, towards the end ni kena food poisoning. mula-mula Zahraa then me. seksa. tak dapat ubat untuk sakit perut. Dr just bagi ubat muntah and ORS. kena tahan sikit. sakit perut and sakit belakang. rasa macam contraction okay. takut! hee. Dr kata sakit belakang tu pasal badan dah tak cukup air and everything is fine. balik terus minum ORS and air. memang kalah kalau sakit belakang. oh! and uncle Halim finally get to go back to the comfort of his own home. Alhamdulillah.

week 13
rupanya 1st trimester ends at week 13. i always thought week 12 dah habis dah. siap dah post and retract balik post ni. haha. week 13, life goes on. dah start masak macam biasa semua. cuma malam je macam orang kerja buruh. penat! tummy still tak nampak lagi. maybe macam zahraa kut. dah nak masuk 6 months baru nampak. we will see. oh. did our scan on Friday week 13, pumpkin was moving, drinking water and crossing his/her legs. orang yang scan siap tolak-tolak lagi untuk measure panjang dia. hee.

officially beginning 2nd trimester this week, hope and pray for a smooth journey.

p.s: my high school best friend is having her contractions now. may Allah ease her delivery.

breastfeeding, little peanut

the end came last Thursday. little peanut was her nickname when she was in me. maybe sebab tu kurus macam peanut with curve at the pinggang. haha. sedih but at the same time, lega. i am too tired and it hurts. 

it was never easy from the beginning. i had trouble latching early on which led to blisters. i was really uncomfortable with the surrounding. i even ended up in the hospital because of infection. i really wanted to try but i didn't have enough knowledge (which i shall bulk up for my next one) and the support i needed (which to stay positive and know the only support is myself and fight for what i feel right). i ended up being a full time pumping mom since she was 2 months old. so, i have been pumping for 2 years and 7 months. it was a rough, painful and emotional journey but every second of it was worth it. good job to me. yeay! siapa lagi nak puji kan. hehe.

bila tengok anak orang lain minum direct, pedih juga hati. bukan dengki tapi rasa kekurangan. bila pula anak dengki sepupu dia, saja minum kat mak orang tu, memang hancur lah hati. bukan minum banyak pun, tp minumlah juga. depan orang kita kena lah control. orang kadang-kadang tak tau apa kita rasa. yes, i can smile at that moment but i cried afterwards. every single time. orang tak faham the pain and siap bagitau semua orang lagi that my own daughter wanted her and tak nak pun dekat me. as mothers, there's that unspoken language that we should understand. i just wish she knew how much it effected me. benda dah lepas, it still hurts when i think of it (like right now) but, tak boleh tukar. biar je lah. maybe i should be honest next time. entah. 

anyway, towards the end, ada selang-selang hari pump even sikit je dapat, dapam 1oz je. sometimes dia mintak, 'mummy, pump'. tak sampai hati, tu yang pump juga sampai dah tak dapat pun 1 oz, maybe 1/2oz je. last pump dapat 2ml je mungkin. itu lah last for her. dia minum even susu dah rasa pelik sikit. rezeki dia panjang, alhamdulillah sangat. thank you Allah for the journey.

2015

1: What did you do in 2015 that you’d never done before?

    Nothing, 2015 was a quiet year

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

    Yes, i cook more and eat less junk food but not much travelling though
    Next year, i want to be a better person (in sya Allah)

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

    Yup, we got Malika! ♥

4: Did anyone close to you die?

    Alhamdulillah, nobody close died this year

5: What countries did you visit?

    My own (I want to go to Bali!)

6: What would you like to have in 2016 that you lacked in 2015?

    Patience, Zahraa growing up fast

7: What dates from 2015 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

    16th October (That +ve answer)

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

    To remain sane after staying home for a year

9: What was your biggest failure?

    Kick starting the business (again)

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

      Nope, all is well, alhamdulillah

11: What was the best thing you bought?

      Less buying in 2015 (can't think of any)

12: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

      October 16th

13: Compared to this time last year, are you: 

      (a) happier or sadder? - in between

      (b) thinner or fatter?  - thinner

      (c) richer or poorer? - richer (in sya Allah)

14: What do you wish you’d done more of?

      Ibadah

15: What do you wish you’d done less of?

      Procastinating

16: Did you fall in love in 2015?

      Yes!

17: What was your favourite TV program?

      Devious maids

18: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

      Nope

      

19: What was your greatest musical discovery?

      Zahraa loves to hear me sing, my biggest fan 

20: What did you want and get?

      [+ve]

21: What did you want and not get?

      To live on our own (when the time is right, in sya Allah)

22: What was your favourite film of this year?

      Avengers: Age of Ultron

23: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

      To be blessed with health 

24: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2015?

      (Still) Grab and go 

25: What kept you sane?

      Allah

26: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

      Taylor Swift

27: What political issue stirred you the most?

      -

28: Who did you miss?

      Mummy, Al-Fatihah

29: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2015.

      Things don't always go your way, adapt and let go

30: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

      Baby, baby, baby ohhh

sakit gigi

okay, dah tak muda pun ada gigi baru nak tumbuh. sakit dia macam kena tumbuk kat sebelah muka. kalau sakit kat bahagian nak tumbuh tu je maybe boleh lagi lah, ni habis one side of the face is in pain and the left ear too. dah jenis tak tahan sakit, macam tu lah. nak bantai makan ubat macam-macam tak boleh, tahan je lah. sedih. dah seminggu dah ni.

seminggu sebelum tu, zahraa teething. lagi lah kesian. empat gigi tumbuh at one time. demam panas 4 hari, sampai kena masuk ubat ikut bobop. memang terseksa lah dia. dah lah macam tu, ada ulser and tonsil bengkak. tak ke haru. bila dah recover, gigi mommy pulak. huu.

apa natural remedies ni for teething? help!

raya (fitri + adha)

sekalikan both raya dalam satu post. senang. tahun ni raya both in Kelantan. untuk aidilfitri memang turn sana tahun ni and untuk aidiladha, memang takda turn ni. haha. tahun ni terasa raya tak berapa nak meriah. entah kenapa, mood raya tak kunjung tiba. macam ada benda yang kurang je. kurang lagi satu baby kut. haha. boleh?

balik macam biasa, naik kereta. save banyak kalau nak compare dengan naik flight. almaklum lah, kalau naik flight kena beli tiga tickets. ticket time raya bukan murah. beli setahun awal pun agak mahal. roughly, kalau drive, pergi-balik cost dia RM200, termasuk beli junk food lah, air lah - ini kalau lalu LPT2 sampai Kuala Terengganu tu. Kalau lalu Gua Musang, tolak RM42. Kalau naik flight, ada lah RM500 return. banyak kan save? hee. boleh shopping makanan kat sana. yes, makanan. pastu, travel time malam. 7 hours in the car especially time tengahari with a toddler is no joke. mau pengsan. so, travel malam. masuk kereta, main kejap, minum susu and tidur. bila bangun, dah selamat sampai atas katil kat sana.

aidilfitri tahun ni Ami buat nasi tomato je and masa aidiladha Ami buat nasi dagang. raya kat sana memang tak meriah makanan macam raya kat sini. kita ni bab makanan memang hantu sikit kut, haha. kalau kat sini confirm ada, nasi impit + lode + rendang + kari + serunding and laksa Johor. selamanya di hati laksa Johor tu. ini untuk both raya. kalau dah buat laksa Johor tu, kuah mesti lebih buat stock dalam freezer. anytime boleh makan bila nak. untuk 2 kali lagi makan dapat kut.

tahun ni aidiladha macam tak raya langsung pun. kalau tak biasanya ada korban 2, 3 ekor lembu luar rumah depan pintu. tahun ni takde, kosong. macam eh, sunyi nya. ni baru kali ketiga balik sana, yang diorang bertahun-tahun dah biasa then tiba-tiba tahun ni takde, lagi lah terasa. makan tidur je kerja. haha. next year in sya Allah ada. dah pakat dah sorang amik satu bahagian, sebulan bank in RM50. mahal sekarang korban. RM600 sorang. in sya Allah murah rezeki, ingat nak buat 2 bahagian.

tahun depan doa-doa lah kan bertambah yang kurang tu eh, hee. amin.