friday, day 50

friday marks day 50 mum has been in the hospital. she looks better and much more aware. mum can even move her head a bit and her fingers. that's major improvement to me! i just hope she gets stronger. i need her badly. not able to talk to her on things i normally talk to her kinda sucks. its a bit weird when i have to find someone else to be 'mum'. my aunties are my mums. i do consult them. when i can't go to them, i have to find other alternatives. which i don't have. mum. please get better soon. i am not doing very well now. its getting into my head.

(hope)

this is an open confession. please don't judge me. i just need to let it out. i have a problem. a huge one i think. ever heard of self-injury? i first cut myself last friday. i was feeling so stressed up and alone. tonight i did it again. the sad part about it is, i feel much better after. that's not good. i know but, it helps a lot. no any major scar, its just that the feeling when the pain sets in. i know this needs to stop. hopefully there is no third time. i need to be in control of my life. i can't let this get out of hand and the problems into my head. it might lead to something worse. nauzubillah. 'hairunnisa zahirah, breathe dalam-dalam, u can do this'. insyaAllah i can overcome this. i am totally alone in this. mr hashrul backed out of this (major) problem. umm.. i wish you were here.