Happy new year!

Happy new year people! 

But, let me just say that 3 more times:

Happy new year people! 2018

Happy new year people! 2019

Happy new year people! 2020

Haha. That's four new years that passed by without me knowing. The last post was in 2017. Wow. I kinda miss writing to be honest.

Okay, lets recap. 

So, this year I am turning 34 years old, freaking 34. My kids are turning 8 and 5. I am now gaining weight successfully, thanks to covid. Kerja nya makan je duduk rumah. Stress makan, happy pun makan. Haha. Something needs to be done here, will start working out some time soon *cough*. Pray for me to be healthy.

I am still living in the same house. I am down to 4 cats - Tompok (2017), Babycat (2016), Frozen (2018) and Kaka (2010). 

I am still taking care of the kids full time. With the pandemic going on, part time teacher is now on my job scope. Not easy all. Last year we had Ziqri's school doing online session but not for Zahraa. Thankfully this year ada lah juga online class for Zahraa. I miss them going to school. Haha. Staying at home makes the kids clingy by each day. 

I can now cook better than I did 4 years back. Yeay! Good for everyone living with me. Diorang yang kena makan whatever I cook. Haha. Okay, lapar lah pulak.

Yesterday's meal - sweet sour fish, prawn sambal and crispy spinach.

I am still trying to find that space for me to learn how to bake properly. Takat ni brownies je lah yang lulus. I dream of knowing how to bake everything. Okay lah dari masa first time bake cake for Zahraa's first birthday. Hard as rock. Then first birthday Ziqri carrot cake jadi. Yes! This year nak try bake a cake a month. January dah lepas so, try this month. Try eh. Keyword kat sini try.

Hm. Hope I can keep this up this year 🤞🏻

By this, I mean writing.

unwanted

Eceh. Title macam apa je. Haha. Emo betul, padahal anak pergi sleepover je pun. Dua tiga bulan ni banyak kali pulak Zahraa mintak nak sleep over rumah mama. Aih. Dulu selalu kena kan dia nak tinggal dia situ, sekarang dia yang mintak. Dia mintak! As a mom, separation anxiety is always there, if it is not obvious, it's still there deep down. I appreciate the down time I get but, deep down I miss her and the weird stuff she does. So, obviously, tonight she is not here. 

Mummy miss you!

I was not as brave as she was when I was small. It was all fun and games until its night time. There's this one time I tried to call home when I was sent to JB. I really don't know how and I got the number from my grandma's phone book.  I have no idea on the state code and all. Some Chinese uncle picked up, I cried and hang up. It was 3 in the morning mind you. Huu. Didn't tell anyone about that and cried myself to sleep. Sad moment of my life < unwanted. 

But, look at her below, she's having so much fun, both of my girls are enjoying their time together. I am relieved and sad at the same time. Mummy emotions running all over me. 

Thank you mama and daddy long for making her childhood memories even better, I couldn't ask for more. Nanti bilik Ara siap, Nia sleepover here pulak okay. 

Last day of School

One year of school is finally over. That went by fast. Pheeww! Today ada appreciation day dekat sekolah dia. Kira graduation day lah, hee. Tak lah fancy, just a small gathering of parents and kids, and of course the teachers. The kids buat dance performance for the parents. Zahraa kata buat show, macam wow gitu. But, I am somewhat happy with whatever she does so to me it was wow lah kut. Haha. See you guys next year teachers and friends, insyaAllah 

Yang kat bawah ni orang paling penat, hee 

First time slide sendiri 💪🏻

school trip

Today Zahraa went to her first school trip. Should I be sad? Haha. She was super excited about this trip. I showed her photos of the place earlier on. This morning when she woke up, she was easier to handle. She got up all happy and didn't need that extra time just to wake up. She wanted to cry when we told her it's morning, she wanted it to be afternoon. She goes to school in the afternoon session okay hence the confusion. Hee. Alhamdulillah all went well. Siap tertidur dalam bus masa on the way balik. Penat sangat tu. Memang puas dia main. Lompat, panjat, haa, buat lah apa nak. Memang favorite pun activities macam tu. Thank you to the school organize trip ni. 

So, lets go back to the question - Should I be sad?
No. I am not in any way. I am happy to see her very happy. I am taking it all in. I can't stop time but I can live within the seconds. 

help

Why do I feel like things are getting harder by day? Am I not thankful enough of things. It should be a blessing that I get to stay home and watch my kids grow right in front of me. Not many people get to do that. I am having everything every other mothers want, to be there for their kids throughout. So, why am I not feeling okay with it. Where did it go wrong. 

This should not be happening. This is the life I chose. I feel bad feeling this way. What can I do to make it all better? This is a help me post. I am at lost. Each passing day I feel like I am there for the kids in quantity and not quality, especially for Zahraa. I have plenty of time for Ziqri when Zahraa leave for school. But when she is at home I will still be putting Ziqri first, he is clingy, mind you. 

How do I pick myself up? To be a better mother, wife and daughter. I am having doubts about myself, which make it all worse. 

P. S: I just had a very tearful shower

Zahraa - First day of School

She has been counting down days to go to school since we went for a visit last November. Suka betul nak sekolah. Masa short visit tu, Zahraa ingat dah boleh terus pergi so, she was a bit bumped when we told her it was just a visit. Dari situ, we included her dalam proses nak daftar lah. Bukan banyak pun, isi borang and choose the school shirt color. Excited bukan main. I don't remember being that excited when I was told that I was going to school. Definitely bot from me, I was a weird child, very reclusive.  

3rd January 2017 was her first day at school. I expected her to stay close to me and daddy. To be shy but happy at the same time. I was WRONG! I have been mentally prepared 'Biasa lah drama time budak-budak first day sekolah. Huu.' Turns out I was the one yang sedih. Of course I didn't show her. Menangis dalam hati je lah! Dia boleh terus tinggalkan kami, and when asked if it was okay to leave her there, she said YES. Mummy pun balik lah, terasa juga lah sunyi dia. Itu part pergi.

Then bila pick up time, dia tak nak balik. Double whamp! Isn't she happy to go home?? Touching oi mummy! Dia punya menangis tak nak balik macam orang kena dera. Menangis plus menjerit. Huwaaa. Sedih bertambah. Habis negative thinking dah mummy dia ni - duduk dengan mummy tak best ke, mummy ni tak fun ke, mummy tak cukup layan ke. Tak pyscho mak ko? Padahal she enjoy going to school, making new friends, doing new stuff - which is a good thing. Plus, it proves the school we choose is the right choice for her. 

I'll always remember this day. Unfortunately, the first week of school punya photos semua hilang. Sorry Zahraa. Not me okay, daddy format his phone. Your day will always be in our mind, insyaAllah. 

2016

1: What did you do in 2016 that you’d never done before?

    I gave birth - the normal way

2: Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

    I think so, insya Allah, there are things that can be improved
    Next year, i want to be a better person (for Allah)

3: Did anyone close to you give birth?

    Yup, 3 of them - Afiq, Ena and Fatin ♥

4: Did anyone close to you die?

    We lost daddy, i miss him 

5: What countries did you visit?

    Still contained in Malaysia, huu

6: What would you like to have in 2017 that you lacked in 2016?

    Better time management, big time

7: What dates from 2016 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

    11th October, daddy passed away 

8: What was your biggest achievement of the year?

    To gave birth the normal way after 11 hours of labor

9: What was your biggest failure?

    Time management - giving full attention to 3 people is quite challenging

10: Did you suffer illness or injury?

      Well, i had to do a procedure to take out what's left after giving birth (injury?)

11: What was the best thing you bought?

      Cloth diapers from @rocktak.baby

12: What did you get really, really, really excited about?

      His bonus, haha

13: Compared to this time last year, are you: 

      (a) happier or sadder? - happier

      (b) thinner or fatter?  - fatter

      (c) richer or poorer? - richer (in sya Allah)

14: What do you wish you’d done more of?

      Ibadah

15: What do you wish you’d done less of?

      Procastinating

16: Did you fall in love in 2016?

      Yes! I fell hard for the new baby, hehe

17: What was your favourite TV program?

      Nothing in particular

18: Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

      Nope

      

19: What was your greatest musical discovery?

      Zahraa still loves to hear me sing, requests are pouring in

20: What did you want and get?

      Happiness (alhamdulillah)

21: What did you want and not get?

      Again - To live on our own (when the time is right, in sya Allah)

22: What was your favourite film of this year?

      I can't recall any film that i saw from beginning to end

23: What one thing made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

      To be blessed with Ziqri

24: How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2016?

      Anything to make nursing in public easy

25: What kept you sane?

      Allah

26: Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

      Taylor Swift

27: What political issue stirred you the most?

      -

28: Who did you miss?

      Mummy and daddy (uncle Halim), Al-Fatihah

29: Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2016.

      Still adapting and let go what is beyond your control

30: Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

      -